Alice's Adventures

When the World Spins 'Round

2011-03-10T15:49:00.000-08:00

Cars are whizzing past. I've promised myself not to speed so I just pull over to the right as trucks and cars move by at an accelerated rate.

The urge to keep pace is tapping at the corner of my brain but taking the world at my own rhythm is satisfying too.

I'm headed South and it's twilight. As I drive, I can see the ocean and the military tents that are set up along the coast. Hmmm, must be some sort of exercise.

The intro of Brian Johnson's Philosopher's Notes is playing and I listen as a woman talks about losing her husband 3 years ago and focusing on learning from the Philosopher's Notes to work through her grief and get unstuck. Brian replies. I can't quote it word for word but here's a paraphrase.

Think about when you were a child and you spun and spun and spun until you fell down. Now, think about when you spun and looked around the room you felt sick and you couldn't get your balance.

Try this, spin and spin around and then stick your hand in front of your face and stare at your finger tips. If you focus on them you no longer feel sick and having that focus allows you to regain your balance so much more quickly. When the world spins around and you feel out of control you just need to find something to focus on so you can regain your balance quickly. If you don't you feel sick, you fall down, etc.

The sky has turned a grey blue and the sun has set. I drive in the slow lane past truck weigh stations and lagoons and way sides and scenic views. And I think - sometimes we like it when the world spins. We start the spin and we spin and spin and spin and laugh when it ends.

Sometimes without our permission, our world is spun for us -- and it throws us because we weren't ready. And sometimes it's just spinning too fast and we need a moment to slow down. To focus. To regain our balance.

A CHP car zips by. Lights flashing. I continue on watching it from behind as it becomes smaller and smaller chasing the sports car that had zipped by before it.

Sometimes, No. Most of the time - going at your own pace is pays off - despite what everyone else doing or saying or what we see around us. It's just nice to have a reminder. I smile and let the world spin on.

The Topless Ladder or the Endless Web

2011-03-08T17:07:00.000-08:00

The mature gentleman on NPR talks about seeing people as they claw their way to the top and if they're good people, he'll catch them on the way down. We always hear about the ladder of success.

CUT TO: EXT. A Cafe in Culver City

The owner of a lighting company and his wife sit across from me. He talks to me how we have it all wrong. Life is not a ladder but a web. Some people start at the center. Others are on the outskirts. But the web is level. We're just on different parts of it at different parts of our lives and we can actually move between the center and the outer edge. No one is more superior or higher up.

He explains that he doesn't consider himself more important than his employees. In fact, he's actually made less then some of his employees because he'd promised holiday bonuses and he wanted to hold to his word.

I listen rapt with the plethora of information I'm digesting along with the salad I'm eating.

He says he doesn't make to do lists or a list of goals that goes top down. He actually writes them sideways.

"Sideways?' I ask.

"Yes, because when you write them sideways it's like a timeline and that way it's not a matter of working your way up to completing the task or goal. It's just a matter of time. It will happen. Time has no choice but to move forward."

AhHa! I like the way this man things.

There is not a limit to the amount of success or fortune that's available to us. If one person has success he or she does not make less of it available for the rest of us. There's plenty to go around.

At the end of the meal, I thank him profusely. The nuggets of wisdom he provided for the meal feed me long after the meal itself. I leave sated and satisfied.

Joy vs. Happiness

2011-03-07T16:00:00.000-08:00

The room is cold, cold, cold. It's my impression that the Pastor keeps it that way to keep everyone awake despite his claim that it's because the lights are a lot warmer on the stage.

As I pull the collar of my shirt over my nose and wrap my jacket even closer around me I listen...

"Happiness is based on Happenstance. It's fleeting because we're happy only if something happens. It's situational. Joy is based in God. Joy is deeper and it's eternal. You can have Joy even in the midst of grief. It doesn't go away if bad things happen. It's there to support you especially when bad things happen."

My mind is reeling. It sounds so contrary but I get it. It makes sense. It's the bittersweet. The positive and the negative sharing the same space even though it sounds impossible.

And as my bones begin to ache from the cold I think I'd be happier if he's turn up the heat. But I'll just sit here in my Joy and listen. Sometimes it's nice to be happy.

The Job Search vs. The Job Get

2011-03-07T15:40:00.000-08:00

A new college graduate walks in for a job interview. She's nervous and has massive amounts of energy exuding from her. She's prepared and her essence is giving off the vibe I want to be a _______. If you hire me I'll be a great ________.

30 minutes later a woman walks into the interview room. Grounded. Nothing to prove. Her essence exudes competence and she's giving off the vibe I am a ________. And I'm a great _____. And I've been doing _____. It is who I am take it or leave it.

The college graduate gives away her power. The second woman owns her power and already has it so she doesn't even need to take it.

It's the difference between wanting to do, hoping to do and doing. It's the difference between talking about it, thinking about it and the action of actually doing it. One is potential. The other is action. The world needs more action. The world needs more people who own their power. As the Nike ad says...Just do it.

Big and Little Thoughts that Rock My World

2011-03-07T15:30:00.000-08:00

The sound of the windshield wipers offsets the pounding rain and the voice coming out of the car speakers talking about value and integrity.

I find myself drifting into thoughts of what I've learned in my life from others whether it be through books, workshops, seminars, sermons, classes, podcasts, or having coffee. Then, I thought, wouldn't it be great to have it all on one place so you can refer back to it? Ta-da. They're now going into my blogposts. Please be aware that not everyone will agree with everything. But I'm not doing this to get anyone's approval. So here it goes...

Take the Lead

2011-01-17T17:55:00.000-08:00

It smells of wood floor and old building and I'm watching as the movement instructor whips around Aileen, a tiny woman with freckles in character shoes and a rehearsal skirt.

He says, "Dancing teaches men to learn to lead. In life as well. It's really too bad that more men don't learn."

I've often thought about that statement. In college I took ballroom dance and the more I think about it, the more I realize he's right. So here's my take:

Almost Everything(well not everything but a lot) that you need to know about life( well about relationships)you learn in Ballroom Dancing

Let's talk to the women first.

Women: Know how to follow.

Yes, yes, you're a Modern Woman and you can open your own doors, and you don't need anyone telling you what to do, and you know how to lead your own life without any help from anyone. But then you won't really be dancing, will you? It's a partnership and you need to let go of some of the control.

And, no, following doesn't mean that you do nothing and let the man do all the work. There's plenty of work for you to do and if you don't hold up your end of it the dance and your partnership becomes unenjoyable, can fall to pieces, and you won't be asked to dance again. Or, if you are, there's often dread involved.

Keep your frame. Of course, this goes for both partners.

Women need to make sure they're not clinging tight and floppy. No man wants a woman who doesn't give them some breathing room. And, in ballroom dancing, if the woman doesn't hold her frame it's hard to read your partner's lead. You lose the signals of where he wants to move you. I'll let you translate that into a life lesson.

If men don't hold their frame, they're basically not leading. Women want a man with a strong frame, not a push over. Men who don't hold their frames force women to take the lead. Plus, women need their own breathing room as well. The more a woman and man hold their own frame, the more gracefully they tend to dance together. Each giving each other room, each able to lead and follow. The more a man holds his frame, the easier a woman can follow him.

As in life, some of the skills that make a good follower: a slight anticipation of what the man is going to do with the ability to be flexible and change direction and go with the flow on a parsec if the man makes an unpredicted move. Sense your partner. Take your cues. Or let your toes pay the price when they're trampled upon by your partner.

We've already talked about holding your frame. Keeping your boundaries and making it clear. So if you feel a push/pressure you move with it instead of letting it slam into you. And yet, keeping relaxed enough in the rest of your body to enjoy the whole thing and look like you're having fun.

Keeping your head up. It helps you take in your partner, sure, but it also helps you take in the world around you so you know what's going on. Plus, it allows you to project emotion and attitude if you need to.

Know how to lead. Yes, that's right, a good follower knows how to lead as well as what it takes to be a good lead. If there's ever a time you're dancing with someone who doesn't know how to lead, you know how to do it on your own and make them look good. Plus, you can gently guide them or teach the next generation if you need to.

Support yourself. "What?" You say. But in all of those movies that show the guy dipping the damsel in a romantic flair have them totally laid back. Well, in real ballroom dance the lady holds her own weight on those dips. One leg may kick up but the other one is bent and holding up the majority of the weight. We know you can stand on your own, so we're asking you to do just that.

In fact, women should be able get into the dip position themselves and hold themselves up without their partner. Ahhh, like all magic tricks, it's about the illusion...(does it make you sad? It shouldn't. You're safer and your partner is safer that way. You're less likely to end up with your head hitting the hard floor and your partner is less likely to throw out his back.)

Trust your partner. No, it's not a super easy thing to do, especially if you don't know them. But the idea is to trust your partner until they prove themselves untrustworthy. Then you, being the great follower that you are, subtly take the lead, make him look good, and are gracious at the end of your dance.

Men, being a good lead means protecting your partner. Do you know what it's like to spend most of your time moving backwards, and basically blind?

Women rely on you to keep them from running into things & people, from getting hurt, from falling, from going in the wrong direction, from mixed signals and following a wrong lead. Women rely on you to be clear. To communicate what you're doing and what you plan on doing clearly. Subtlety in communication and signals leads only to confusion and possible mishaps. And it leads to mistrust - which can ruin your dance partnership as well as the dance itself.

A good lead knows where to go. He looks ahead while he is present with his partner. He understands the rules and patterns of the dance floor, and if he doesn't, he knows to ask and understand them before he takes a partner for a twirl. Knowing where you're going keeps you from stumbling into people and things and from causing a traffic accident on the floor. People can get hurt if you're not paying attention.

If there is an accident, you steer your partner clear and away from the mess. No rubbernecking, no sneering, Manners, dear Sir, and Lady, make up a large part of Ballroom Dance. And let me tell you, as a woman, that we appreciate men who have Manners. A lot. It's a lost art. We bow, we curtsy, we are polite and gracious and we treat each other with respect.

Be firm and clear in your communication. None of this wishy washy stuff. I can't say this enough. I know I mentioned it under protecting your partner, but it bears mentioning again.

If the man is not clear, he risks stepping on his partners toes, he risks giving a false lead and causing the woman to go off in a direction that can cause accidents, tumbles, etc., it's just not very pretty. And Ballroom dance is, in part, about performing with Grace, and being Social, and having Fun. Can you see the parallels to relationships and life gentlemen?

A good lead can bring the woman back if things get off track. If a woman misreads a lead and starts doing something the man did not mean for her to do, a good lead can firmly, and gently correct course all the while making her look good and making her feel good. You're in control. Like it was all a part of the dance.

A good lead is creative. Yes, as a lead there's a lot to juggle. But once you get the hang of it creative moves make it fun. It allows you to show your personality, your flair, your joy of life.

Creative moves keep the dance from getting predictable and boring for both you and your partner. And no, it's not up to the woman. The MAN leads.

The man can choose a move that has a little more flexibility that allows the woman to be creative too and show her own flair. But the man has to initiate the move.

All of this may seem overwhelming. After you get the hang of it, leading is quite a lot of fun. Ask any man who's done this for awhile. And there's nothing like being partnered with a good lead.

The relief of dancing and partnering with someone who is a strong lead, who adds creativity without being a dictator, is palpable. This is also true of getting a partner who knows how to follow and take cues. Then, the relief is followed closely with Joy. And in Joy and Fun both partners can really hold up their end of the bargain and surprising, entertaining, and memorable things happen. Yes, they do.

Just like in life.

It's all a Ballroom Dance.

Transitions

2010-12-18T19:01:00.001-08:00

He shifts in his seat and there is an uneasiness in his eye as he answers, "I'm okay. Things are pretty good. I can't complain."

We shift to the other people at the table for a beat. About a minute passes and I turn to him.

In earnest, I ask, "Are you okay?" Waiting for an answer beyond the polite answer I got to my initial "How are you?"

"Yeah."

"You feel like you're in transition."

"Wha??? What do you mean by that? That's a conversation starter right there."

"Really?" I ask, "I was just being honest."

We get interrupted as more people join our holiday party and say hello. I know it's not done though. A few minutes later he turns to me and asks me to clarify.

My friend is not one of those close, close friends where we know everything about each other but we are more than acquaintances. However, there are phases when we click and share and truly connect.

"You just feel like you've got things going well on one part of your life and that's moving but there's a part of your life that is stuck. That's taking more of your focus and energy."

"That's pretty much on the button. That's very astute of you."

"It was in the way you answered my question. They way you were unsure and hemmed and hawed when you answered."

Transitions are like that. They do take a lot of energy and focus. If you want to put it into scientific terms, as I will since I'm the product of two scientists and a science family, taking a material from one state into another takes a lot of energy.

Think about water. We need energy to create water vapor so it turns into a gas. We need energy to turn ice into liquid water.

Life is no different. We hit these points where we get stuck in-between states. Where we can either stay where we are or move into a new form. To grow and transform into a new state or phase of our lives. But it takes a lot of our energy to get there. We have to focus a lot of energy there to move on.

Everyone, at some point in their lives goes through this. Sometimes it only takes a little energy. The transition isn't huge. Sometimes it takes a lot because the transformation is going to be radical.

I'd like to say I recognized what was going on in my friend because I'm super duper intuitive and psychic. But, the truth is that I recognize it because I've been there.

Haven't we all?

Why I don't Facebook

2010-07-31T15:37:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting at my desk and I look to my left. I look behind me, and I look to my right. The common denominator? Everyone's on Facebook. Ironically, I was the first one on at work and got everyone else to join.

People ask me now why I left. There are a lot of different answers. The ugly facelifts, wanting back my life...but when you get down to the nitty gritty, it's about what I value. What really matters?

It's the meaning of life question that everyone asks. It's about relationships and people. This, coming from a person so comfortable with tasks. Getting it done.

I know this means I have to live an uncomfortable life in order to have a fulfilling one. To have a life of quality.

It's about reaching out of my comfort zone beyond the tasks so that there will be someone to go to during the times when I really want to share something. Quality of life includes having a community who genuinely cares for you as a person and if you don't show up for awhile you'll be missed.

I border on introversion and extroversion. It depends on the period of my life and what is going on. Most of the time, it's simpler to focus inwards. To feel like I've completed something, gotten something done. Tasks over people. But it's not satisfying. Just simpler.

The moments in my life that satiate my spirit have been true connections with people. Often while traveling. It can be with strangers you strike up conversations with that go deep--then you never see that person again. Or friends, family, and loves you share your lives with--beyond the surface scratchings. People who know how ugly you can be but love you despite it all.

That's why I don't like Facebook. It doesn't feed that need in me for a deep connection. To understand another human being spirit to spirit. It's time I'd rather spend writing a handwritten letter, speaking to a person on the phone, or visiting with a person face to face.

Now, where is that stationary?...

Gender Disappointment from the child's side

2010-07-10T19:05:00.000-07:00

"Why do you have a boy's name?"
I pause. "Hunh?"
"Your name, my friend has a son with that name. Your name is a boy's name."

It's my second trip to Taiwan and I'm here for my Grandfather's funeral. Asian funerals are long and drawn out. But that's another story.

My parents never hid the fact that they actually wished for a boy and got a girl. First with my sister and then with me. The only difference was they only planned for two children so I was supposed to be the last chance at a boy.

As a child, you take it in. Babies are very perceptive. More than a lot of people realize. The sense that something is wrong and it's your fault. But you have no control over it. And, of course, it's not really your fault.

Recently I had a conversation with someone on this topic and it was like a light bulb went off.

Now an adult old enough to have my own children; I can see patterns of constant apologies to other people for being who I am. It's not necessarily apologizing for being a girl but apologizing for the characteristics that make me - me. Things I really have no control over.

The sense that who I am is inadequate is something I've struggled against my whole life. That no matter how much I try to do the right thing whatever I do is wrong. Other more personal, specific issues that I won't discuss here have cropped up as well.

I'm not angry at my parents for feeling the way they felt. How you feel about something isn't necessarily something you can control. Also, much of that desire for a boy is ingrained so deeply culturally that I can see their point of view. Plus, they don't feel that way anymore. I know they love me as a girl.

Four years after my birth, an unplanned but very welcome surprise came. My baby brother joined our family to much joy and my parents got their boy. I got the brother I'd always wanted.

Recently, my sister and I went to China on a visit. We came across a shop that sold chops. Marble block stamps with a person's name carved into it that are often used as seals for artwork. My dad had one made for my brother when he was young on a trip to Taiwan. We asked for one and were told we couldn't get them because we were girls.

This shop had no qualms about selling us each one and it secretly made me jump up and down with glee knowing that I now had something that was at one time reserved for the male sex. I use it on a lot of my personal correspondence. Stamping it and looking at it makes me feel a sense of contentment. Like a whole history in one artistic red box.

"Your name is a very special name. Not a lot of people have this name. The character use if very, very, rare and very special," my dad says. I'm eight or nine and learning how to write my name in Mandarin. I look at it and smile. It's very special. And it's mine.

China - An Amazing Journey

2010-06-12T14:30:00.000-07:00

"What Happened?"

"She got her leg caught in a wall trench by the stairs and it looks bad."

"At her shin? Is her leg broken?"

"I don't know but she was crying and the medical team was working on her. They're borrowing Kathy's wheelchair."

"It's so sad that she came all the way here and then won't be running the marathon."

We're all sweating and hanging out by the bus. We've just spent the morning & afternoon walking the 5K leg of The Great Wall Marathon. The pre-event event is to let the runners know what they're in for. Those who were making snide comments about it before walking the leg of the wall are panting and subdued. No longer snide, but humbled. We're all humbled.

In creating the Great Wall of China the Chinese knew what they were doing. To prevent enemies from being able to maneuver the wall the architects created stairs that were not of even height. Some go to your hip. Some are super shallow. And they change randomly. Then every once in awhile when you expect a stair you get a trench that goes across the wall like a cattle ha-ha only without any sort of grill or slope and it's knee deep. Just the trench. In the dark of night or, in the bright of day when you're not looking where you're going, it can put you in a wheelchair.

"So how was your trip?"

"Fine, I'm really jet lagged."

My answer, though honest, is deflective. When asked, and I don't know why, I'm not ready to answer the question.

In the month passing, it's become clearer and I can reflect upon my feelings about the trip. China is a conundrum. Super modern on some levels there is the underlying time worn belief system. No longer fully Communist, Capitalism thrives. But it thrives without regulation. Like the child who was raised in an overly strict household who finds him/herself in college with total freedom and little experience with self imposed self-discipline.

The sun shines down through the trees and at least 20 toddlers run around with their elderly grandparents looking on. It's a beautiful day and the tour group has dropped us at a local park to take photos and hang out. It's not a usual tour spot. It's to give us a flavor of the local life.

"Did you notice?" said the woman next to me.

"Huh?" I respond.

"Did you notice? The kids."

I turn and look again. Without my glasses I can't see the details but I do notice. Without fail...boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy...and it goes on. One girl. She's about 7 years old.

"Where are all the girls?" I ask.

"In the orphanage South of the city," responds a man who has been here a few times before.

I look around again and remember someone mentioning that the one child rule still applied in China.

"What happens when all these boys grow up?" I ask.

The other tourists shake their heads and we move on.

China is a set of contradictions. Both beautiful and super shiny clean, Beijing also has air pollution from nearby coal power plants. The Westernized parts show modern architecture to rival any city. Go a few blocks into the hidden neighborhoods that are off in alleyways away from the major streets and you find people living in poor conditions. Shanty housing. And you realize there is another side to this city. One that remains uncovered to the average tourist.

My sister and I, after spending time in rural Taiwan and various 2nd and 3rd world countries, knew that these parts existed. We recognized them as we went past.

My conflict runs deep. My ancestors, if you go back far enough, come from China. The culture is recognizable in patches from my childhood living with my immigrant parents. A part of me loves it. Identifies with it. A part of me doesn't recognize it at all and mourns for the people. Rooting for the people as they transition through these changes.

It was only within the last few years that China made a law to protect personal property. Until then, all property belonged to the government. For the first time people could by homes and cars and it would belong to them. It's a big change. A shift in thought. A shift in life change that causes people to now look for ways to survive in a Capitalist society with no practice or training in how to do it. The people who know how become richer. Those who don't struggle.

My sister said it best. After spending some time in Pennsylvania Amish Country she said that the Amish choose their lot. They choose to live a certain way and they still have the benefit of a 1st world country. Medical help. Air conditioning. (Yes, she saw air conditioning used in an Amish home.)

But the people in China who live that life don't have a choice. They live the life of struggle because they have no other choice and they are just trying to survive. They don't have the luxury of being able to afford to purchase air conditioning. Sometimes they don't have the luxury of modern medicine nearby. It's a hard life.

"Marathoner coming through!" The lead Marathoner, a man running from China, comes flying through. We part like the Red Sea, cheering him on as we maneuver our own route, until he slips down the dirt and graveled path and grabs his leg. He's cramping and makes his way to the Wall to work out his leg. We all go silent until he works it out and says he's okay and continues on.

Not unlike China itself, the Great Wall was steep and at some points treacherous and at other points beautiful. At some parts a person has to focus and watch their footing. At others it's safe to marvel at the scenery without concern and take a breath.

At the awards dinner the woman next to me says that she's never seen healthy men, who have run marathons before, just go up 2 stairs and turn around and sit down out of need to rest. And other grown men cry. She saw one woman going up the stairs backwards on her butt slowly while others crawled. Literally.

It's late afternoon and I can hear the crowd in the Yin Yang Square cheering. The finish line looms. I see the leader from my tour group and one other member yelling my name. I'm sweating, my legs are trembling and I'm thrilled. Would I do this again? I'll have to think about it. But it's been an amazing journey.

The Search for Savings

2010-04-26T13:02:00.000-07:00

"Hello, I was just wondering how much it would cost to get one spare car key cut?"

After my trip to Las Vegas where I'd lost my car key briefly right before the magic show performance (with all the magic equipment and the doves in my car) I've decided to cut 2 spare keys for myself. Locking my keys in the car is not the issue. Not being able to drive my car is the issue.

After answering a bunch of questions and adding up all the costs including $110 per key to program the little chip inside the total was $256 per key.

"Wow. Okay. Thank you." and I hang up.

Since this was the dealership I knew there had to be a cheaper way. So I go online. I find a site where I can order the key with a chip without all the fancy buttons. Just perfect for a spare key. Also, it includes the instructions of how to program them. Yippee!!! I double check the comments and reviews and it looks legit. How much for 2 keys? $14. Great, if it doesn't work I won't be too disappointed.

Two days later I have the blank keys in my hand along with the programming instructions. It looks easy enough. Now to find a place that can cut them.

I search online for places that specialize in cutting car keys with chips in them. I see everything from $50 per key to $11. On a whim I call up the Ford dealership nearby.

I get to the Parts Department.

"Hello?"

"Hi, I was just calling to get a quote of how much it would cost to get my spare keys cut? I have the blank keys already and I don't need them programmed because I'll program them myself."

"You already have the keys?"

"Yes, and I know how to program them. I just need them cut."

"Well, if you just need them cut we'll probably do it for free. Just bring them in."

"Thank you."

I hang up and do a little dance. I'm a little worried that it's too good to be true but free is awesome and I can't pass up the possibility.

The next day I drive to the dealership and walk into the Parts department. It's quiet and I tell the guy that I'd called yesterday and the person on the phone said that they'd probably cut the key for free since I had the blanks and I didn't need them programmed.

The guy checks with his Manager and is given the okay. I'm super duper grateful since I'm on a tight budget.

As he hands me the keys back he reminds me they're not programmed yet so they won't work. I say, thank you and head home to program the keys.

After programming the keys I do a double check and stick the keys in and start the car and back it up and drive back into my parking spot. Yippee!!!

2 keys. $14 total. Let's see...$256 times 2 is $512. That means I saved myself $498 dollars. And even more important, I'm saving myself an hour of panic looking for a missing key. Not bad for an hour on the internet.

We have to believe we are magic

2010-04-02T16:51:00.000-07:00

"How'd he do that?"

Laughter peals from my left, outside my frame of vision.

"Wait! Wait! Do that again!"

I'm in Las Vegas walking through a food court area with a friend who is an excellent magician. He'd been doing a card trick for these guys at the bar but it's the bartender's astonished face and request to repeat the trick that makes me smile.

R.J. has asked me to assist him with his show that he'll be putting on in the evening. We've been going since our rehearsal at 11:30 AM the day before in L.A.. I'm exhausted but enjoying the experience.

Magic has always been, well.....magical for me since childhood. My Dad's friend used to pull quarters out from my mouth or from behind my ear and I'd look on in wonder.

When R.J. asked me to assist him I was a little worried that I'd lose the wonder in finding out how things worked. But it's actually the opposite. I'm actually much more amazed at the skill it takes to do it all well.

I will watch, knowing how a trick is done, eyes peeled out for the moves i know are there and I still see nothing. His hands move so quickly. Really, it's taken years of hard work to manipulate so smoothly.

It's midnight at the Beauty Bar. The music is rockin' and loud. The flashing lights are spinning. There's a crowd of people dancing on the stage next to our setup.

Looking around I realize that this place matches R.J.'s style of magic. The walls are vibrant red and black and the bartender's hair is teased up into a beehive. R.J. is a naturally hip and cool guy without being pretentious. Charisma. And his magic is edgy, fun, and entertaining.

As we stand on the side of the stage I'm running through the show in my head. The first trick is tricky and we had some problems during our first rehearsal. The energy from R.J. is nervous and excited. As we talk/shout I remind R.J.(and myself) that everything will work out in the end and we should just have fun. He calms down a little and soon we're on.

After the show my mind races back through the evening. And I realize that no matter how skeptical we are as humans there is still a part of us that wants to be amazed.

We that the magic isn't real. Yet we experience this confusion because the brain cannot understand that what it sees. There is a contradiction between the brain is being told intellectually and the visual experience. It's in that moment. That astonishment--where the magic really happens. Where I can look at a person's face and smile because I see that we're wired for hope. For amazement. For magic.

And it leaves me feeling encouraged and satisfied in a way I can't really put into words.

The Other Life

2009-11-23T02:31:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wish I was someone else. As an Asian child growing up in Wisconsin in the 70's and 80's there weren't a lot of other people who looked like me. And truth be told, in the community, although people were polite, I was never really treated as well as my friends who were not Asian--these other people around me who had brown, red, and blond hair.

I was treated like a second class citizen. And I learned to believe it. So growing up in my tweens and teens I used to daydream that I had blond hair and green eyes. That I was someone else.

Now I live in California. Asians are plentiful and actually very much the norm. At this turn of the century we see Asians in television who don't have foreign accents. There are Asian children on billboards and in commercials. Things we take for granted now. Things I never grew up with but am so glad to see presented in this modern world. We can still do better--but that is a subject for a different blog entry.

Before I get too far ahead of myself let me explain one thing. In the tutoring world we have a term for parents who are so in charge of their children's lives that they don't allow the children to do anything for themselves.

They've given up their lives for their child and live through them by scheduling their appointments even when the child is a teenager capable of doing it him or herself. They speak for the child. They are there asking questions every 15 minutes to make sure everything is okay. They want to know what their child is thinking and feeling and breathing.

We called them "helicopter parents." Because like a helicopter, they hover.

In the past 5 to 7 years with experience, age, and living life in general--the ability to own who I was, who I am, and who I will become has developed itself. An appreciation of culture, of differences, and of what is learned from poor choices and mistakes has taken the place of certain insecurities and doubts.

But every once in awhile when I least expect it thoughts of a different life flit through my mind. The desires I'd had from childhood to have a different life and be a different person creep in on stealthy legs and are blindsiding. It's a universal and human thing. I just don't know what to do with it when it happens.

There are a few options. A person could analyze it to death. They could say, "Ah well, nothing is to be done just focus on what can be done in life now." Or, they could just wait until it passes.

It's the other life. The other lives. The other...everything. It's what we dream about when we can't control what our lives are like now. When we need to let go but don't know how to or want to or are afraid to.

Like helicopter parents we "hover" in our own lives and don't let it breathe. To have space to grow. To stand on its own. We have good intentions. But then what is the saying? "The path to hell is paved with good intentions." And we create our own hell by dwelling, if only for a few moments, in a life that doesn't belong to us.

We learn a lot between childhood and adulthood. How to be an adult. How to live our lives. How to be who we are. Too bad it takes so long. As Herbert Henry Asquith said, "Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life." How true. How very true.

A Drop in the Pond

2009-10-01T00:25:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about the future lately. Not the near future so much as the far future. In human terms of course it's only a drop in the pond. It's not defined in eons like the universe and the earth may be defined but instead is defined only in years.

If we have the privilege to live our lives out, to get old, to remember and then not to remember; what is the culmination of it all? The question brought me back to my family trip to Hawaii.

One of the survivors of Pearl Harbor was visiting the memorial since it was the day before the anniversary. He and his loved one were honoring the memories of those that were lost. To him, the names weren't just words on a wall. They were people. With full and colorful lives and personalities.

Looking at them in the picture as she points at the wall, I realize these people were survivors. Not in the physical sense, of course, but they survived on in the memories that were carried on.

A September 11th survivor was once quoted as saying that the life changing event made him realize that it was important to create memories for others and not himself.

The future and the past aren't so different. Both are a drop in the pond.

One hangs there with potential to create great change, to do great things, to fulfill wondrous dreams; or to change nothing, to be ordinary, to do nothing but create a splash for the moment and then be enfolded into largess.

The other, shows patterns. Some have great ripples that continue on even today. Some, caught up in another's pattern, become nullified.

And then, I remember one of my favorite books of all time. The Precious Present by Spencer Johnson. And it reminds me to just enjoy riding the ripple or wave I'm in the midst of making. No matter how big or small. Because after all, in the end, it's all a drop in the pond.

Shy Away

2009-09-19T19:03:00.000-07:00

"Huh?"

"What just happened?"

"He did?"

"Does that mean anything?"

"Why are guys so confusing?"

My brain slow to work from fatigue churns out the questions after about a minute. One of the things I never learned very well growing up as an Asian in Wisconsin is how to flirt.

From watching friends' babies and my nephew it is my believe that flirting is inherent. We know how from birth.

So, what happened in-between then and now? And why, as an adult, have I been horrible at knowing when a male is flirting and when they're just being friendly? We were never allowed to date in High School. Could that be it?

It's the University of Minnesota and I'm standing outside the dorm cafeteria. Two guys come up behind me and talk at me but not to me. What they say, I can't even remember. I was so shy I just stared at the poster on the wall with some glances their way and they eventually just got disgusted that I didn't say anything and took off.

Life has a way of flipping things around on you and now I'm an actor and I've overcome a lot of that shyness standing in front of strangers doing and saying things I never would in real life. But one thing I still have trouble with, despite having had long term relationships, is understanding when men are flirting to be friendly or flirting because they're interested.

My tendency to to assume the first and not the second. I figure, if they're really interested they'll just ask for a number or a date or say something. Right? And at least now, I'll say something back.

You've got company

2009-08-28T23:49:00.000-07:00

"Ouch!"

"Oouuuccch"

"Okay, Ow"

*sigh*

"Do I really have to?"

and the answer, like good improv, is always "Yes, and"

These are the voices in my head as I keep on smacking into and slowly knocking down the walls that mark my boundaries of comfort. A lot has been going on lately in a bunch of different parts of my life. All at the same time. I feel a little bruised and worse for wear but the things that I'm learning and all the leaps and little steps forward are worth it.

I'm a big believer in "only do one hard thing at time" but sometimes what you believe and what you do (because of what life throws at you) don't exactly match.

Here are some of the things I've learned:

1. It takes a lot of energy. Energy to keep calm, to keep moving forward and not go running, screaming in the other direction pulling your hair out in panic and fear.

2. Thinking isn't always a good thing. Sometimes thinking makes you neurotic or it makes you into an insomniac. Doing is much better.

3. Courage is only the state of being so afraid of fear and it's effects that you move to do the opposite of that fear. Let me re-word that. It's being more afraid of what fear will make you into or what will happen if you let the fear take hold than of what you're fearing.

4. When your comfort zone is being ...let's say stretched...it's easy to get overwhelmed by things that normally be a challenge but you could handle.

Here are some other practical things that I've learned:

1. If you're lactose intolerant, you're only lactose intolerant to pasteurized milk. Raw milk has all the stuff in it that helps you digest.

2. There's such a thing as skim and fat free raw milk.

3. Raw milk is regulated in the State of California and safe for ingesting and good for the digestion.

4. Nuts and seeds need to be processed at low temperatures if or they lose a lot of their original nutrients. Kinda like pasteurized milk.

5. Olive oil has a low smoke point.

6. Olive oil is why I set fire to my food all the time and why I had to get renters insurance in college because I always set off the smoke alarm and the reason why I always have baking soda nearby when I cook and why everything burns. (Okay, maybe this was not so practical but I threw it in anyway.)

7. Coconut oil and Ghee (clarified butter) have high smoke points and make my place smell like coconuts when I cook. :)

8. Not all vitamins are equal.

9. It's better to eat the whole egg. Eating egg whites alone actually isn't as healthy as eating the yellow and the white because the yellow has in it the necessary stuff to digest the white part properly.

10. F*** your fear and follow your foot.

11. There are a lot of weird characters on myspace.

12. Sometimes 1 minute isn't as long as you think it is.

13. Working for what you want is hard work even when you like it and it's even more work when it's not your fault.

14. Always go inside to the cashier to pay for gas. Never pay at the pump if you don't want your credit card to be used to buy over $300 worth of clothes in the Middle East and another 300 dollars worth of purchases for telecommunications stuff online in the Middle East.

Fraud Alerts on TransUnion, Experian, and the other credit check place can prevent people from trying to open up even more credit cards with the information they stole from your original credit card that you used at the gas pump.

15. Learning to use cash only when you've grown up using credit cards and when money is tight is a balancing act.

16. Sometimes rejection is a good thing. It could be a blessing in disguise.

17. Make sure you have good neighbors. It keeps you from a future of headaches.

In pushing boundaries on more than one side at the same time it's easy to find oneself focusing so intensely on the one thing you're doing at the moment that the world around becomes background noise.

I don't notice as much about the people around me and I'm not as perceptive. I hate that. Because when you're struggling to get to the surface for a breath of air it's good to know if you find yourself next to a shark or next to a lifeboat.

Optimistically? If you find yourself next to a shark at least you've got company.

Go Green

2009-07-13T00:55:00.000-07:00

Okaaaay...there are red cones there now. Am I on the right street? There are the meters. Where is my car? I looked at the parking signs. I was okay right?

"All cars that were parked here were towed," said a guy who can tell from my confusion that I'd expected my car there. He must see this almost every night.

I'm in my friend Kurt's car driving to the towing car storage place.

"You're pretty calm. A lot calmer than I would be."

I'd been told to ask the valet at the nearby club about the towing company and then I called the lot to find out that my car was impounded and I needed $243.80 to get it out. Over half of the cost of tuition for the improv class that was the reason I'd traveled to Hollywood on a Sunday night in the first place. We're required to watch at least 8 shows before class ends.

At the towing company I get to my car to find that it has a $60 parking ticket on it. I ask if I need to pay the ticket too? They say yes. Great. That makes the night over $300. *sigh*

I'm still a little confused. To me, the signs weren't really clear. But looking back at my friend's comment it comes as a realization that working for a time in customer service has taught me to take responsibility when I mess up.

It doesn't do to get angry at the service person or the tow company or the city. I'm still going to have to pay. Yes, I can be upset because that's a lot of money to lose but to expend unnecessary energy over something that's done and over with and also for an error that really is, in the end, my fault...it not beneficial in the slightest.

I've spent enough of my time taking the brunt of anger from people who are unhappy because they can't get their way, or they messed up and they don't want to take any responsibility so they blame you. I can now identify when to take responsibility myself when something along the same lines happens to me.

Plus, when you put in into perspective. It's really not worth getting angry over. It's not like a family member has died. It's not like anyone close to me or I, myself, have been diagnosed with life ending disease. It's not as if my car got stolen or I no longer have a job or the means to support myself.

It's lost money which means I'll be very careful for a month or two about where my green goes. It means extra life energy spent at work instead of doing other things. And, it means that I'll be taking the metro like I usually do instead of driving to Hollywood. Whoo hoo! Go Green. In more ways than one.

Pleasant Surprises

2009-07-11T14:20:00.001-07:00

The past two days have been filled with pleasant surprises. Little ones that make your day:

My sister tells me to take a look at a recent photo of my nephew that's been posted online for us to view (see left) and it's not what I'm expecting at all but I'm so glad to get it because it's the cutest thing.

I look at my planner thinking I've something scheduled for the evening and it's clear which then allows me to say yes to getting together with a friend who's moving the next day.

I take an IQ test for the fun of it knowing that when I was a child I was considered somewhat above average so I'm expecting the same sort of score. And I've always been the dumber one in my family. When I open my e-mail and get my score it's a 155 -- a total surprise. All that "Brain Age" on the Nintendo DS must have paid off.

Taking a walk in the morning with my sister to the post office to drop off mail and realizing they have the change of address forms my friend was looking for so I grab one for her.

I show up at work and a package of chocolate covered donettes is left for me on my desk by a friend. I looove chocolate covered donetttes.

These little surprises help me with the bigger things going on in my life that aren't so fun. And I appreciate them.

The little things go a long way.

Life is a Circus

2009-06-13T18:41:00.000-07:00

This morning I walked up to Ronald McDonald and said, "Hi Ronald!" and he said, "Hi! Hey, I know you! You're Ali!" He was in the park where I run to help warm up the children and start off a run to raise money for and organization that helps single moms.

We took a few photos, Ronald and my sweaty self and then my sister and I went on our way finishing the run/walk intervals for the day.

About two months ago I went to go see some friends perform on a static trapeze. Not the flying trapeze of the lyrical songs about love but one of those trapeze that may not be too far off the ground and wasn't meant to go flying through the air.

Can I just say that by the end of it my jaw was on the floor and I poked at the softer parts of my body with the acknowledging nod that in life, in nature, we were made to hunt and run and gather and those soft parts I was poking have been set as a newly created standard for normal in an era of sitting in front of computers and spending time in cars going places instead of walking or running to get there?

I watched as my friends wrapped themselves around the rope and the bar and swing around in loops and one finished by hanging by the back of his neck from the trapeze without using his hands. Amazing.

And you know what? We can all learn how to do the same thing. The place is called Kinetic Theory Circus Arts and it's in Culver City, CA. They have classes.

It's tempting...until I realize that when I hang from the bar with my arms fully extended and they request that I pull myself up, my response will be..."I am pulling myself up, can't you tell?"

It's been awhile since I've gone rock climbing so my muscles have gotten soft.

Ah, well. If we all joined who would come to watch and jiggle their body fat in awe?

Another friend has just been offered a job as a clown in Cirque du Soliel's KA show in Vegas at the MGM Grand. It's a wonderful opportunity for her and it's an exciting adventure.

My hats off to these men and women. Because getting those jobs and performing those feats takes years of more than just clowning around.

Time Vortex

2009-06-06T14:40:00.000-07:00

I have come to the conclusion that computers suck time. Time and sleep.

Here's the deal. I'd decided to upgrade my Mac Tiger OS to Leopard. So, in trying to back up my drive my external hard drive didn't have enough memory. I had to delete everything off it which took one full day.

Backing up took 2 full days and nights. The whirring of the computer was not an aid in helping me sleep. It kept me in a perpetual light level of sleep that didn't help my brain at all.

Day Four. Finally, everything is backed up and I can upgrade. I do, and with the upgrade I lose my internet connection and my printer. It seems that Leopard thought my computer ate up my Airport card and can't find my printer because the internet isn't hooked up. Another evening gone fixing it. Up until 4AM this morning and now I'm dragging at work today. But tonight I'll be completing the fix of my printer and then upgrading iLife and iWork because my iChat and a few other applications no longer work with Leopard.

And lastly, after starting the upgrade, I find out that Snow Leopard is being released on Monday. Ha!

I can't wait until I can once again get a full night's sleep without hearing the whirr of the computer or a flashing light on a hard drive or a monitor demanding that I make a choice about some need for backing up or upgrading.

In the end it'll be worth it. Won't it? Why do we bother sometimes?

After this is done, it'll be time to read a good book.

A Walk in the Dark

2009-04-30T22:11:00.000-07:00

I love to travel. While I'm at home I'll go out for long walks or rollerblades or runs. But recently, I've been finding myself a homebody. Not wanting to go out at all when I'm home because most nights I'm out doing stuff. Today though, I picked myself up and returned to a shorter version of my 3 hour walk. I went for a walk through the neighboring 5 miles. It felt good and reminded me what a good, brisk walk in the dark can do for your soul.

Ever since childhood I've loved walking and running in the dark. It's funny, when my mood is the darkest or heavy, walking or running at night lightens it in a way that a daylight walk or run cannot. In the dark, I don't see how far I have yet to go and I can focus on the now and my thoughts. Growing up in Wisconsin, my family would always go for a walk around the neighborhood after supper. Usually around dusk and we would talk about life and bond and exercise.

In high school, I found running in winter in the dark helped me go farther and got my blood going.

Now, in Los Angeles, it's a wonderful time to enjoy exercise with a break from the sun which is so much more intense than it was in Wisconsin.

I'm careful. I travel in the safest of areas. And I have my Road ID on my shoe.

I realize that movement can move not just my body but my mood. Dancing to a good song makes me feel better too. And yet, it's the absence of movement, the stopping of the world that draws attention in that world of movement. Hmmmm....

Movement and the joy it can give people reminds me of this viral video that's been going around. It blends four things I love about life: A good surprise, good clean fun, dancing without judgement, and taking a calculated risk. It's a short video but it will put a smile on your face.

The Musical Road in Lancaster, CA

2009-04-12T13:03:00.000-07:00

Today my sister and I went to Lancaster to see the Poppy Fields and to take a ride along the Musical Road. We went to one location and the road had been paved over. I guess the residents nearby complained and couldn't stand the noise. So they moved it. Luckily, one call to my brother solved the location issue.
(3001-3187 W Avenue G Lancaster, CA 93536)

You and listen to the road in the video below. Yeah, we had to go over it more than once. The first time it came as a surprise and the video started late. And the third time the camera ran out of memory before the end. So you'll see the 2nd take. And after take 3 we figured the flatness and sharpness had to do more with how far apart the divots were.

Happy Easter to those of you who celebrate.

TED - My Stroke of Insight

2009-04-11T00:22:00.000-07:00

This talk from the TED website is amazing. It's about 18 minutes long and worth every second.

Geeky Techie Girl

2009-04-10T17:44:00.000-07:00

I have recently been introduced to the world of video podcasts and I must say I'm hooked. I've always enjoyed the audio podcasts of NPR shows like "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me," or "This American Life" to name a few.

The video podcasts have introduced me to a whole new culture. Video podcasters, if I may stereotype a bit, tend to be techies and gamers. They know their technology and all the tech talk. It's fascinating. Can you believe that I actually now know what an AoE is and I don't WOW? (World of Warcraft.)

The Diggnation video podcast is fascinating despite all the cursing. It is definitely a culture I'm not used to taking part in and it gives me a peek into the thought processes of people who aren't a part of my world. It's curious and it's fun and it challenges me to get a little more techy and learn more about this up and coming world.

Friends and Co-workers have always said that I'm a bit Geeky. Now I can be the Geeky Techie Girl. That's not so bad, it is?

2009-04-05T00:21:00.000-07:00

Okay, I saw this on Vimeo and it is just the most fun thing because it's entitled "Too Much Candy" and the language was a surprise. But still, super cute. There's another one the site with her and the tooth fairy. Although it's longer, it's funny to watch. This is my warm fuzzy of the day. Enjoy.
Too much candy from Capucha on Vimeo.

2009-03-27T16:47:00.000-07:00

There is life beyond Twitter. Isn't there? And no, I don't have an account.

The Secrets of a Full Night Sleep

2009-02-08T16:41:00.000-08:00

I've spent a large majority of my thinking time (driving, waiting for my computer to boot up or print) pondering what the secret is to a full night of sleep.

Last night, for the first time in a long time, I slept for 8 hours.

I'm trying to figure out the difference so that I can keep on getting a full night's sleep. Here are a few differences between my 2.5 to 3 hr nights and last night:

1. Read a short story instead of watching a youtube video or tv shows online.
2. Closed my curtains.
3. Put a privacy sign on my door handle.
4. Put my phone on silent.
5. Shut my bathroom window and shut my bathroom door.

And it's not that I have less stress or less things going on. I actually have quite a lot right now. My water heater is broken so I don't have hot water. There are some Talent and Talent Business events that are scheduled where I have one or more in a day throughout the week. This, along with my full time support job. And I've been keeping up with friendships and meeting up for hikes or coffee or movies and various things.

We're also planning on having out of town guests this weekend. It all depends on whether my nephew has chicken pox or if it's something else. (I've never had chicken pox. Don't ask me how, but I never have.)

So with all of that, what is it? What's the secret? I think I'll have to ponder a little more. But it feels good to be moving in the right direction. One of my goals for the year (as of September 20th) is to get at least 6 hours of sleep a night regularly. Wouldn't it be wonderful if zzzzzzzzzzz.z.z..z..z...z....z.....

3 AM

2009-01-30T03:04:00.000-08:00

Frak, Frak, Fudge? Hmmm....Fiddlesticks... caaaaaan't sleeeep!

Happy Lunar New Year!

2009-01-26T15:16:00.000-08:00

Xin Nian Kuai Le! As they say in Mandarin Chinese.

Or, Happy New Year! Happy Chinese New Year! Happy Lunar New Year! Happy Year of the Ox!

It's just a new, New Year! Yay! Fresh start!

That's all for now.

Hee hee.

A Fresh Start

2008-12-29T15:51:00.000-08:00

It doesn't much feel like the holidays. Is it the lack of snow that I'm so used to associating with this season? Or it's that in growing older the mythology that comes with the holiday season is no longer mysterious or mythic? Maybe it's just that this year was meant to be low key throughout?

Nevertheless, I do enjoy the idea of Boxing Day. So what if it's Canadian? Just the idea of boxing things up, putting things away, "Spring Cleaning" as such -- even if it is the dead of winter. There's something to be said for clearing out the clutter. For putting things away that we no longer need for now. Making sure to dust off and keep what's important and appreciate those things as well.

Although I hate cleaning, isn't it true that a clean and organized house does make a person feel so much better? Not just physically, but spiritually as well. It's a fresh start and everyone deserves a fresh start.

So, for the end of the year, my goal is to clean out my closet. Yes, to clear out the things that have been in the shadows for so long. To let things go so that new things are allowing to come into my life. And those "things" don't have to be material.

In the past, letting go and letting live lifted the load I'd been carrying on my shoulders. And actually, once I let those "things" go it lifted the load off of my physical frame as well. A nice perk.

In the present, the hard part is figuring out what is is that I need to let go. What it is that I'm holding on to? Not seeing what is right in front of my face is a specialty of mine. (I don't say that proudly, it's just a fact.)

It's a challenge that I both look forward to and abhor. It's terrifying and exhilarating. It's choosing to live instead of letting life go numbly by (guilty of this as the next person. And, it requires unplugging and being present in the world.

The New Year is always great for that. I have a friend who years ago told me he was going to spend his New Year in silence. Literally unplug. At midnight he would unplug his clock, his lights, his phone, his television, his radio and all his other power items. The only thing he would leave plugged in is his refrigerator and he would put aside a watch so that he knew when it was midnight again. For 24 hours he would be in silence. He wouldn't talk to anyone or listen to music or watch tv. Basically, a silent retreat.

It's appealing isn't it? Sometimes I turn on the noise because in silence the noise of my own thoughts is shattering. Shattering to my way of being. To my soul and to my spirit. To my life. You want to know what the funny thing is? It always turns out that if I face the silence I'm more whole than I've ever been. There's the irony. The shattered pieces are pieces that I didn't need. And so they're cleaned up and I get a fresh start. I love the fresh start.

The Rarest Angel

2008-12-22T14:25:00.000-08:00

I look over. What's that? A lone golden helium balloon has been attached to the Christmas tree. At the top. Ha ha. An attempt from my sister at trying to decorate the top of the tree.

Flashback to a month and a half ago. Shoppers everywhere. It's a madhouse. I'm at Michael's looking for tree toppers. There are some beautiful angels. Really. Great fabric dresses and gorgeous craftsmanship. There is only one problem. The angels are blonde. After looking there I go to Linen's N Things and Target and it's the same thing. Blonde, blonde, blonde. Are there no brunette angels? Is there a rule that brunette's can't be angels?

I tell my sister and she says I'll have an easier time finding African American angels than finding a black haired angel. Ha! I say. I'll find one!

No I won't. It's 3 days before Christmas. Searching Amazon and the web has proven my sister to be right. All the angel toppers with black hair are African American and the rest are Blonde, Blonde, Blonde.

I'm getting frustrated and actually upset. Upset over a stupid tree topper that is supposed to be a happy, joyful thing. The true meaning of this season is not about anger or "things" -- it's about gratefulness, grace, and celebration of life, right? So why am I expending energy on getting upset because angels don't have black hair?

This is the argument I've had with myself. To the point that I've given up. My tree will remain angel free until that rarest of all angels makes its way to me somewhere, sometime in life.

Until then, the gold helium balloon adds a little humour to the whole tree and it makes me smile when I see it. For those who celebrate--A very Happy Christmas. For those who don't--A very Merry New Year.

Happy Thanksgiving

2008-11-27T01:27:00.000-08:00

It's 1:30 AM and I can't sleep because I'm worrying about the turkey tomorrow morning. I've prepared one before but I have a history of mixing the kitchen and fire and food so...I'm a little worried.

But I can change that worry can't I? Just realize that I'm grateful for having a kitchen and fire and food. It's freezing some places and foodless some places and homeless some places. So, really, there's nothing to worry about but a lot to be thankful for.

And then I see leaping flames in front of my eyes and that all goes away.

How do you worry about a turkey? It's not even a big turkey. Like 8 pounds. And when I went to go buy it the guy at the store said, oh, a really small turkey, almost a chicken. And I said, "Yes" and nodded my head shyly in shame.

And then I think, well, it's small, what happens if it goes up in flames? Then there won't be much left to eat. Maybe I should have gotten a bigger one so that if it gets set on fire then at least that part can be cut off and I can try over again with the rest of it....Or does it not work like that?

I'm glad the fire station is only a few blocks away. It makes me feel safer. That, and my big bag of baking powder and baking soda to put out grease flames. You think I'm joking. Yeah, that's what a lot of my friends think too. For awhile at least. There is always hope. That why I keep trying. You can't burn food forever right? If you keep trying you just have to get better from the practice...right? Right? Anybody? Hello? Okay, I'll just go to bed.

Say Cheese

2008-11-22T23:53:00.000-08:00

I just got back from one of the most up to date weddings ever. They had a photo booth. Yes, a photo booth! And it took 4 photos and gave 2 copies of those 4 photos. One for the scrapbook of the Bride and Groom and one for the guests to keep.

Another thing they did was have business cards on the table asking all the guests to share their photos by uploading them to the married couple's flickr account. I've never seen that before either. How smart.

There was also a groom's cake to go with the wedding cake. The groom's cake was a Nintendo theme and was really cool.

Some really great ideas from a really great and cool couple. I wish them all the best. And now, it's time for some sleep.

Everything I Need to Know I Learned By....

2008-11-14T13:09:00.001-08:00

There´s no place like home. There´s no place like home. There´s no place like home.

There is no place like home. And I think we all take that for granted sometimes.

Traveling has taught me several things:

1. Obama has a lot of weight on his shoulders. A lot of expectation. People throughout Europe that I have met and also in the news are expecting him to fix not just the United States economy but the World economy as well. One European I spoke with told me it was a World election not just one for the United States. Good Luck Obama. Good Advisors. Good Decision Making Skills. And Good Family and Friends. You´ll need them.

2. I eat more when I travel.

3. Don´t take anything for granted. Your ability to walk. Having arms. Your ability to breathe. Clean Air. Your family. Your friends. Your culture. Your nation. Your freedoms. Your education. At the same time, don´t limit yourself to your culture. Teach your children to love newspapers instead of the Nintendo DS if you want to. Bring them to see Modern Art at 5 years old and explain the paintings. (There was a huge group of kindergarden aged children with their teachers looking at the Reigna Sophia.) And most of all, teach yourself to try new and uncomfortable things. As long as it doesn´t harm yourself or anyone else. Push your boundaries.

4. Small gifts are the best gifts. Otherwise you´ll spend the day and night before sitting on your suitcase trying to get everything to fit and hoping your zipper will hold. OR Get a really, really, really big purse to go with your carry on.

Jess it was closed :(

2008-11-14T13:06:00.001-08:00

Jess it was closed :(
Originally uploaded by AliChen

Dear Jess,

Didn´t get your e-mail until after the visit. After walking, and walking, and walking all over only to find that the restauraunt was only 2 blocks from our Hotel...it was closed.

We´re still on U.S. time for eating dinner. They didn´t open until 8:30PM. It looked lovely from the outside and the menu yummy. But the restaurant wins a pout from me because it dares to stay on Spanish dinner time in the middle of Spain. How dare they!

Of course I´m kidding. Tonight is our last night here so unfortunately, it will have to wait until the next time.

Woosh whoosh

2008-11-14T13:02:00.001-08:00

At the Star Wars Exhibition
Originally uploaded by AliChen

Did you know that when you´re swinging the light saber it actually makes that sound? Yeah. How do I know this?

Because.

Because I´ve done it. Swung the real deal and not some plasticy thing from Walgreens. How many of you can say that? Hunh?

Okay. Now that the geek in me has had its playday...

The lightsaber has the sound built it in so you don´t have to make the noises on your own. It´s quite cool. We waited a long time while news crews shot with it since there was only one. It was fun.

The Star Wars Exhibition was quite well done. I´m not including any photos of the exhibition itself here because A. it wouldn´t do the exhibition justice and B. I don´t want to ruin it if anyone does go. On a different note Joao is actually a sound designer not a sound engineer. (Sorry Joao.) He did a very nice job.

The models are exquisite pieces of artwork on their own and the drawings and the whole set up was really great. They have costumes and masks and descriptions and it´s all very well lit. I highly recommend if you´re in Madrid anytime between tomorrow and March of 2009 that you should go. They have original pieces from all six of the films and they´re organized by planet.

Haven´t you always wanted to visit Tatooine? Or was that just me?

The Star Wars Exhibition sign

2008-11-14T12:43:00.001-08:00

The Star Wars Exhibition sign
Originally uploaded by AliChen

No, I don´t know where I´m going. But as I climb the stairs out of the Metro station I see this sign.

Okay. Yes, I´m in the right place.

I told Joao that I wouldn´t be able to drop in on him until Friday since we had some visits to the Prado and the Reigna Sophia to do. (BTW - those museums are awesome. Works from Picasso and many other famous artists I have never seen before--even in books.)

I walk around to the tower. Okay, big sign but no sign of the exhibition. There´s a museum nearby so I pull out my handy dandy language translator and learn how to ask for directions. When I go in the lady walks me out and points speaking in Spanish the whole way.

I don´t know if she fully understood my question. But the "Star Wars" part of it was very difficult to misunderstand.

It took a bit of doing but I found the entrance. There was a Jedi Knight school. Very interesting. I walk in. The security people say that the exhibition doesn´t open until tomorrow. I say, yes, I know that I´m looking for Joao and I have his phone number but it´s a Portugese number and he asked me to meet him here.

I show them the slip with all of his handwriting and she says "Ah...Lucasfilm?" And I say, "Si!"

Another security person walks me down and tells me where to go. He also says there is a big press thing going on right now. Uh oh. I should have called.

I walk down to the entrance. A bit intimidated because I´m literally seeing about 7 news crews just from the entrance shooting stuff. (There were many more than that there.) Giving myself a moment I notice a man who obviously works there with his back to me.

Taking a closer look after I get my bearings I tap him on the shoulder.

"Alice!"

It´s Joao.

He takes me around and we take photos. The news crews are having a lot of fun and are really excited. I´ll talk more about the exhibition at the next entry.

They Don´t Move That Fast

2008-11-14T12:11:00.000-08:00

Earlier I´d shown Walter how to adjust his camera for actions shots. He was trying to get a shot of a moving man. No explanation needed.

About 5 minutes later

"Later, I want to get a photo of a fast moving whore."

Silence. Another beat of silence. Third beat. And one that makes it just a bit too long without a response. He looks at me. I look at him at the same time. Simultaneously, without a word be both start laughing. Hard. Belly laughs. It was an odd moment of realizing that I had misheard what he had said and he guessed by looking at my face what I thought he had said and I could tell by looking at his face that he didn´t say what I thought he had said.

It was a good 10 minutes until I found out that he had said "horse" and not "whore."

When we were explaining later to Carlos what I thought he had said Walter replied, "Whores don´t move that fast anyways."

Another round of laughter.

We laugh. But these poor young women. I´m told that in Spain the age of consent is 16 years old. No wonder they look so young. In Britian it´s 14 years old. Walking down Grand Via toward the offshoot that brings me to this internet cafe they are around 24 hours a day.

A few days ago I was walking in my brown crop pants, these wacky yet preppyish stripped socks, brown Keds, and my black jacket with purple scarf--headed toward the internet cafe. A youngish man is talking with a hooker, as I´m about to pass he jumps in front of me and propositions me in Spanish. I respond with "Hunh?" and a look that communicated across the language barrier enough for him to move out of the way. The young woman said something to him behind me that I interpreted as You´re mistaken, she´s not one of us.

Okay, I know I´m a bad dresser. But I am so not giving off a hooker vibe. The next morning I ask my travel companions about it and they agree that I neither dress like a hooker nor give off the vibe so the kid was high, drunk, or thinks all women are hookers. Great.

"Hola ______(fill in the Spanish word for whore here)"

"Did she just say `Hola ______?´" one friend asks the other?

"Yeah."

They look at each other incredulous. I´m taking in a scene of one woman dressed to the nines greeting another woman with a male companion and a dog. They do the standard European air kisses on both cheeks. Neither of them look like whores. Instead they look like well to do older women.

" EEEE holay" I don´t know how to spell eee holay but that´s what it sounds like. That´s what came out of Carlos´mouth. It seems appropriate.

eeeee holay

Sunset over Madrid

2008-11-13T14:09:00.003-08:00

Sunset over Madrid
Originally uploaded by AliChen

In the Neo-Roman Crypt Madrid

2008-11-13T14:09:00.001-08:00

In the Neo-Roman Crypt Madrid
Originally uploaded by AliChen

Another view from the Royal Palace

2008-11-13T14:07:00.003-08:00

Another view from the Royal Palace
Originally uploaded by AliChen

A view from the Palace

2008-11-13T14:07:00.001-08:00

A view from the Palace
Originally uploaded by AliChen

Walter and a guard at the Royal Palace

2008-11-13T14:06:00.001-08:00

Walter and a guard at the Royal Palace
Originally uploaded by AliChen

"You work for Lucasfilm?"

"Yes"

Of all the places to meet another person in the Industry. My coffee mate turns out to be here in town working on the Star Wars exhibit that is in town.

"Is it a convention?"

"No, it´s an exhibit."

"Do people come? Is anyone allowed?"

"Yes, it´s open to the public"

"It sounds like a convention"

"No, it´s an exhibit."

He continues to explain how there are models -- full size models etc. It still sounds like a convention to me.

We have a nice chat. Politics and the other part of his job which is as a sound engineer for rock bands and artists. Unfortunately, he picked the one person who really has no clue as he lists off names I´ve never heard of. The only one I recognized was the Police and Sting.

I think it frustrated him that he was dropping all these names and I really had no reaction of awe to them. Of all the other people in the city to pick to go to coffee -- he found another person in the Industry who lives in Los Angeles and interacts with celebrities in various degrees through work. Sorry. No swooning here.

Not proud of my ignorance of rock bands. It´s just not a part of my upbringing. I grew up without a radio. And celebrities are people first. Glamour does have a double meaning as sci fi/fantasy fans know. Basically showing something that´s not really true or there.

It was a nice conversation though and Joao did invite me to come and see the exhibition before it opens since I´m leaving the day it opens. (I´m going tomorrow. Can´t pass up Star Wars. :) Such a geek. )

The next morning, I´m dragging. We go to the Prado. My friend Jess who lived there for a year told me it might be overwhelming. It was. So much to see and my head was swimming. They don´t allow cameras so no photos folks.

I spent the evening looking for a cable car with my travel companions. And here is where I have to diverge from my narrative again....

Walter and Carlos are a couple. Spending time with them I have learned more about men than I ever thought there was to know. Should I clarify that as more about gay men? No, because I´ve learned more about butt´s and "packages" and boxers and briefs and boxer briefs and hustlers, and cruising, and steam baths, and faces and pretty boys and machismo and fake machismo, and butchness, and walks, and gaydar and couples and straight vs. gay men in this short time and it´s mostly about men period.

Needless to say, my ability to identify gay couples and improved since hanging out with them.

Now wait until my next blog entry...we´ll talk about whores.

a church in the moonlight

2008-11-11T14:34:00.003-08:00

a church in the moonlight
Originally uploaded by AliChen

After siesta we go for dessert and coffee. In our wanderings we found this cute place with this liquor that is made specifically by that restaurant and they have a copyright sort of thing on it so no one else can make it. It was the best liquor I´ve ever had. So I bought a bottle. How I´m going to transport it back to the U.S. is another matter. What was I thinking? But it was soooo good!

We took in Madrid at night. There were more people wandering the streets than during the day. And unfortunately, there are also a lot of young, young girls walking the streets as ladies of the night. I must have passed 7 of them on the way to get to this internet cafe and it´s only around the corner from my hotel.

Ooops. Running out of time. Only 2 minutes left. Off to coffee with the guy from Portugal who was sitting next to me here. Bye!

The Royal Park in Madrid

2008-11-11T14:34:00.001-08:00

Parque del Buen Retiro
Originally uploaded by AliChen

The king created this park from old hunting grounds. It is the only place I´ve seen tons of runners. It is also the only place in Madrid where I can suck in the air to the bottom of my lungs and not choke either on diesel fumes or cigarette smoke.

The park is huge and beautiful and I really would love to spend an entire day here people watching, writing, reading, sketching and taking photos. It´s very relaxing and the remote parts of the park have this feel...like you´re not in the city.

One of my friends said that he´s going to travel to the countryside next time because although the cities are wonderful the pace is extremely exhausting. That´s why parks are so essential in large cities.

New York has Central Park. London has Hyde Park, Regent´s Park, Kensington Park, and many, many more. Dublin has St. Stephen´s Square and also Phoenix Park, and Madrid has Parque del Buen Retiro.

It´s a great place for travellers to park themselves to recharge.

Charge Away.

Walter, Carlos, and Michael being tourists

2008-11-11T14:33:00.001-08:00

Walter, Carlos, and Michael being tourists
Originally uploaded by AliChen

Madrid is a very walkable city. Yes, the metro system is very nice but not really necessary if you´re trying to see the scenery.

We spent the day walking around the heart of the city and the neighborhoods so that we could orient ourselves and decide what interested us so we could come back.

Can I just say...thank you Clean Air Act? We had lunch in this lovely place with lovely people. The only down side? You´re in an enclosed area with a bunch of people smoking while they eat. I´d forgotten since it´s literally been years...since before Wisconsin passed their own version of the Clear Air Act that I´ve experienced cigarette smoke indoors.

And if it´s true that for every one cigarette a person smokes the second hand smoke is like smoking two...then I´ve probably smoked a pack and a half today. Needless to say everything smells like cigarette smoke no matter how much walking you do afterwards. (Sorry Sharon, you´re jacket...I´ll have to wash it for you.)

The walking feels good even if my feet do ache a little. I´m hoping the Spanish food will be better for shedding some weight. My love affair with mashed potatos reared it´s ugly head in both London and Dublin. You can never turn down mashed potatos. Never. Yum! My waistline didn´t enjoy it so much though. And even though we walked a lot in both of those cities the potatos had their say.

In Spain, the food is a lot lighter and I´m looking forward to looser fitting clothes. :)

Tomorrow...the Prado!

At the Grand Palace

2008-11-11T14:32:00.001-08:00

At the Grand Palace
Originally uploaded by AliChen

Michael in Madrid

2008-11-11T14:30:00.001-08:00

Michael in Madrid
Originally uploaded by AliChen

More steps, more steps. Huff, puff.

I have a large suitcase on my back. My purse is tied and clipped to it and is flying back and forth on top of it swinging. In my arms is my extremely heavy carry on filled with gifts. And in front of me is a steep flight of stairs with no end in sight.

One step at a time. Just focus on the step in front of me.

We´re in the Madrid subway system. Having just arrived in the most beautiful airport I´ve ever seen and taken a most modern and new subway system. We´ve switched to 3 different lines and are now climbing the stairs to the street.

There are no escalators and no elevators so I´ve opened up the backpack feature of my suitcase and popped it up there. Believe me, it´s worth it.

We´ve arrived just before midnight after a flight from Dublin. It´s been a long day and I´m looking forward to bed. We get to the hotel and there are steps up. Not too many so it´s okay. But then we hit the elevator button. The elevator opens. These are the next words out of my mouth...

"Oh My Goodness, you´ve got to be kidding me!"

Carlos laughs. Walter laughs.

It is the smallest elevator I´ve ever seen. It is literally a triangle. It must have been custom made. I barely fit in there with my luggage on my back and in my hands. In fact I can´t turn around to get out so I have to back out since it´s so tight. Only I fit in it. Really amazing.

When we check in the woman looks at me as she´s speaking as if I understand what she´s saying. My head is fuzzy and I need sleep.

We get to the rooms and they are the most beautiful rooms I´ve seen. Small but beautiful and I love it...until I try to sleep. Cigarette smoke is seeping in from the next room through the vent and a jackhammer is working thorough the night outside my window. Needless to say. Sleep is eluding me. Maybe tomorrow night.

I have to be up to meet Michael. He is a friend of one of my traveling companions. Until the morning....

The bottom of the elevator

2008-11-11T14:08:00.001-08:00

The bottom of the elevator
Originally uploaded by AliChen

Walter in the smallest elevator ever

2008-11-11T14:08:00.000-08:00

Walter in the smallest elevator ever
Originally uploaded by AliChen

Hard Cider & Black Current -- yum!

2008-11-10T14:18:00.000-08:00

Hard Cider & Black Current -- yum!
Originally uploaded by AliChen

Our last drink in Ireland

No matter where I go in the States I´ve been unable to find ¨authentic¨ British/Irish pubs that serve Hard Cider with Black Current. (I´m adding the Hard here because it´s required in the U.S. or I get Apple Cider -- the non-alcholic kind.)

Thus, it is such a joy to be able to walk into any pub, restaurant, or bar and just say - Cider with Black Current please...half pint.

As we were ordering, a man was sitting in the corner nursing his drinks (3 at last count.) I felt bad so....

"Where are you from?"

In a very, very thick, thick, thick Irish accent a response comes from his mouth. "I´m from here, Dublin"

Believe it or not, I had to ask him twice before I got it. It was so loud in the pub and his accent was so thick.

Turns out that he´s only ever travelled from Dublin to the small city where his mother lives. That´s it. It reminds me of some of my friends from the midwest who never travelled outside of the state.

"What is the United States like?"

Well, that was a hard one. It depends on where you are. When I told him it takes about 9 days to drive across if you sleep at night and stop to pee he was surprised. Can´t blame the man. Ireland is a small island compared to the vastness of the North American continent after all.

He was a nice guy and he seemed really lonely. May the travel bug bite him and may he have the courage to follow it to other places outside his comfort zone. I mean this as a blessing and never as a curse. Raise a pint to ´ya lad.

A last day in Dublin

2008-11-10T06:49:00.000-08:00

Sandy and Jenn, my friends and travel companions left this morning for the airport. They're headed back to the U.S..

My two remaining companions and I walk through the streets of Dublin in hopes of getting the tour of that crypt...only to find it closed. Ah, well, guess it wasn't meant to be. It only means I'll have to come back at another time.

We leave ourselves for the airport in 10 minutes. I have a flight to Madrid coming up and had to repack 3 times because of all the gifts. Alas, my reflections of Dublin and Ireland are probably incomplete here. There hasn't been enough time to blog. Thus, nothing fancy in style of writing or stories.

I'll just say this, for those of you who know me -- I keep tripping. I hit my head on the handle in the shower that's supposed to keep you from slipping and it's been hurting to the touch for 2 days. I keep stepping in potholes. And I was walking, minding my own business, and this lady with a bunch of bags walks past and clocks me in the leg with them. It felt like she had a ton of bricks in them. Now I have a bruise. :(

Okay. That's it for now. :)

The holy crosses in Ireland

2008-11-09T14:16:00.003-08:00

The holy crosses in Ireland
Originally uploaded by AliChen

Wicklow, Ireland

2008-11-09T14:16:00.002-08:00

Wicklow, Ireland
Originally uploaded by AliChen

The Coast of Ireland - Yes, they´re swimming

2008-11-09T07:01:00.000-08:00

The Coast of Ireland - Yes, they´re swimming
Originally uploaded by AliChen

The German Cemetary in Ireland

2008-11-09T07:00:00.000-08:00

The German Cemetary in Ireland
Originally uploaded by AliChen

Wicklow and the Countryside

2008-11-09T06:55:00.000-08:00

Went to the countryside today. It was beautiful. As I wrote on a postcard to my parents the countryside reminds me a lot of Wisconsin except there are sheep instead of cows. It also rained for a part of our hike so I was drenched but got warmed up with a shot of Jameson. :) And also by zipping off the legs of my pants. (You should have seen the looks on peoples faces in the travel tour group. I think they weren't expecting that.)

Our tour guide was quite the fellow as well. A French woman was driving on the wrong side of the road and almost drove us off of it. In his humorous manner he asked her where she learned to drive and asked her to drive on the other side of the road and also had some of the women from France to translate because he almost took off her mirror and her wheel.

I'll have photos later. Right now it's packed in my carry on bag. :)

The Dublin Ghostbus

2008-11-09T06:45:00.000-08:00

The Dublin Ghostbus
Originally uploaded by AliChen

Ghosts, Graveyards, and Green Ladies

2008-11-09T06:30:00.000-08:00

"The Hand breaks through the window and tries to open up the lock. The little girl takes a cleaver and chops it off at the wrist and realizes that it's still hanging there...clicking the lock of the door..."

Okay, I was wrong. Dublin is even more scary. There are a lot of ghosts/spirits/crypts around here. Last night we went on the Ghost Bus Tour. Yes, I went -- and then asked myself what I'd gotten myself into. Yes, I was scared. Yes, it was in the dark of night. Yes, we were walking around the ruins of castles and churches and graveyards.

The tour guide was quite good. We learned about Bram Stoker (he grew up here) and we also learned about being buried alive as well as ghosts who appear to people as visions and on their cameras as orbs. There was one woman who took a photo and a green smokiness showed up in her photo looking like a woman with flowing hair and a flowing robe hanging there. It was quite creepy. Needless to say, I didn't sleep very well last night.

A pint of Guinness at the factory

2008-11-08T14:15:00.001-08:00

A pint of Guinness at the factory
Originally uploaded by AliChen

Sandy, Jenn, and myself in the park in Dublin

2008-11-08T14:15:00.000-08:00

Sandy, Jenn, and myself in the park in Dublin
Originally uploaded by AliChen

Back up

2008-11-07T20:00:00.000-08:00

I need to back up a little bit. The tube ride on the Picadilly Line to Heathrow takes about an hour or so. Half way there a bunch of 9 or 10 year olds get on with some older children. School uniforms are worn in various styles. But that isn't what dumbfounds me. What dumbfounds me is that 2 of the ten year olds and a bunch of the older children are reading the newspaper. Yes, not just a fun, easy to read newspaper but the Metro news which is world news.

Seriously, think of young boys reading the newspaper on the train in the U.S. -- and not just one but a bunch of them. It really made my day because it gives me hope for the literary future of our world. In L.A. to see boys that age reading period would be great. To see them reading world news in the newspaper.... I'm just speechless.

I would have taken a photo of them, but I didn't want them to feel like they were doing anything out of the ordinary. Plus they're children and it's best to protect children, yes?

Yes. I hope my children (when I have them)take such joy in reading the paper when they grow up. :)

Security

2008-11-07T14:41:00.000-08:00

"You can't check your bag yet it's too early. And it's too heavy."

One of my travel companions takes her bag off the scale and the next companion puts hers on. Yours is also too heavy. They go off to a corner to re-pack.

My other two companions have already checked their bags (there was no problem checking them early.) Luckily I get the same guy they had and mine goes through with no problem even though mine is just as heavy as one of the other women I'm traveling with.

Can I just say that the security at Heathrow going to Ireland is tight, tight, tight and you have to jump through so many hoops. It literally took us hours. Worse than LAX except they don't check your shoes.

I'll add more later. Gotta go. The internet cafe is closing. :) Dublin you know.

The Gate

2008-11-07T06:36:00.000-08:00

We arrived in Dublin and everyone else is exhausted. I was too, but see that the Gate Theatre is across the street. Yay! The one show "Hedda Gabbler" that I wanted to see is playing right across the street from where I'm staying.

I get a ticket and it's a Brial Friel adaptation that is quite good. The gore at the end leaves me a bit uneasy though and I don't sleep very well. What is it on this trip? Gore and violence and scary things are following me everywhere.

The theatre itself is beautiful though. And I have a nice chat with Wendy (a lecturer at the University) and Edison (I think that's what he said) who is a Psychologist who directs theatre. Since Wendy is a local we talk about what things are good to see while we're here.

St. Michan's (spelling?) Church has a tour of the crypts that is quite good. A friend had also mentioned it so I'm eager to see it. I'm told it's not scary. (Yeah, right.)

Also, it's important to get out of Dublin to see the countryside too. That is also a comment another friend made before I left. I even got my international driver's license so I can drive here if needed. Unfortunately, some of my travel companions have clearly stated that they're scared of me driving. Hmmm. Of all the things to be scared of....

Puppy in Kensington Park

2008-11-06T15:04:00.001-08:00

Puppy in Kensington Park
Originally uploaded by AliChen

This little puppy is only a few weeks old. She was so cute and small I had to take a photo. :)

The Looooooong Walk Home

2008-11-06T15:03:00.007-08:00

The Orangery High Tea
Originally uploaded by AliChen

Yep, this is the station. Oh, yeah! Forgot about that tunnel. And the street musicians, forgot about the wonderful musicians in this tunnel too.

Oh boy. Forgot how looooong this tunnel is too and my feet are killing me.

I've just spent the morning in Camden Market. Found the bookbag that had been eluding me in the U.S.A. there but I'm meeting up with one of my travel mates for High Tea. We're meeting across from Royal Albert Hall at the gates there...I think.

South Kensington station is the station for all of the students going University for music at the Royal College. It's also the tunnel to Imperial College and the Royal Albert Hall and the Victoria and Albert Museum and the Natural History Museum as well.

The tunnel, the long, long tunnel that I'm running down because I'm late has different musicians playing for money all of the time. And they're not your usual street musicians. I've heard quartets as beautiful as I've heard in larger classical venues around the word. It's quite nice.

Did I mention I'm wearing high heels and a skirt?

Oh, and did I mention it's drizzling too? My feet are killing me. Yes, I did mention that, I know.

Leaving the station I come upon another traveling companion. She's on her way to Covent Garden. Her tour of Royal Albert Hall was a no go due to the Remembrance Day celebration they're setting up there. Remembrance Day is similar to the U.S. Veteran's day but for WWI and WWII veterans and also without the mattress sales.

My friend isn't at the gate. Well, Kensington Park has a lot of gates. I go to almost every one of them until I finally find her. I'm out of breath (I ran) and my feet are screaming since I've basically run the distance from South Kensington station to High Street Kensington. (It's longer than a few blocks.)

But, we have a great high tea at The Orangery and it's very nice. Great to sit down for awhile too.

We walk back to our hotel to meet for dinner at a pub and then go see The Quantum of Solace (it opened Oct 31st here in London) - yes it was good. But I have nightmares this night.

Oh, did I tell you I'm not great with violence and scary things. So, I've had nightmares almost every night here. Here's my list:

1. Jack the Ripper Tour - self explanatory
2. The Woman in Black - very scary lady who kept showing up in my dreams. I really didn't sleep at all that night.
3. The Quantum of Solace - I won't explain since most of you are in the U.S. and haven't seen it yet.

Needless to say. I'm tired. But we're off to Ireland! It can't get spookier right?

Celeste with Dark Monday Ball

2008-11-06T15:03:00.003-08:00

Celeste with Dark Monday Ball
Originally uploaded by AliChen

Celeste and I used to play softball together. Our softball team hasn't been doing very well but it's fun to play. When she left we all signed a ball and gave her one. She keeps it on her fridge in Geneva so that she can remember the team.

I've been gone and will miss two games. Maybe we'll win some. :)

20 Minutes

2008-11-05T19:00:00.000-08:00

United Nations Geneva
Originally uploaded by AliChen

The Swiss newspaper "20 Minutes" announced that it had been discovered that suicide bombers in Zurich had dressed as women. I only got that far on the article. It was in French and I was reading across a train car. Geneva's United Nations building is closed to the public for obvious reasons. It's line of flags is beautiful though and we took a look before moving on.

20 minutes can change your life.

I don't think that needs any explanation. Do you?

On the flight back from Switzerland I met an analytical chemist named Gregory from Cambridge. He had gone on a 9 hour interview and was flying back. We had a nice conversation and we wished each other well at the end of the flight. Those are the best moments of traveling. The random connection with another human being beyond surface "Hello"'s and smiles.

It reminds me to take a little extra time when I'm not harangued by busy schedules to take that time and connect. Travelers aren't as jaded so it's easier to make the connection there. I'll be kinder to tourists. Yes, I will. :)

9 to 5 in Celeste's Room

2008-11-05T15:03:00.000-08:00

9 to 5 in Celeste's Room
Originally uploaded by AliChen

A shot of Celeste's room with her Center Theatre Group goodies hanging.

It's all a big game

2008-11-05T14:59:00.000-08:00

Chess Board Geneva
Originally uploaded by AliChen

"So then, do you know who won?"

My mouth is full of smoked salmon and I didn't fully understand what he said because the thickness of the accent takes a minute to process.

But the minute passes. I swallow and say "Obama."

"Oh? You're from the United States?"

"Yes."

We continue to discuss politics. The English are very, very with it when it comes to world politics. They are even more interested in the results than many of the Americans I know. And their news had an Obama slant from the beginning. The newscasters all hoping that the Americans choose Obama. It was very odd since every channel is very much like that and I'm not used to it from the States.

The London City Airport is unlike any other airport I've every encountered. There are no announcements. All boarding and flight information is on the monitors. If your flight is on last call the flight is in red. Really, to have people responsible for themselves. The airport is really, really, quiet too.

One hour and 30 minutes later I'm in Geneva. Somehow I missed getting off the train in Geneva and kept going to Nyon, Switzerland which is far...so far that when my friend realized where I had ended up she said if I had headed East instead of North I would have ended up in France.

And they won't stamp passports in Switzerland unless you're a Swiss Citizen. I asked. Bummer! No proof on my passport that I've ever been there.

It was a great day of touring around with my friend Celeste. I got to hear all about the reality of Swiss Bank Accounts and see the city of Geneva. We walked all over and it was great. The giant chess pieces made me think of Wei Qi and I wondered how that would work if there were really big Go pieces to move around.

Geneva was not what I expected but it was still cool. And I'm very happy that French was my second language in school. :) It was fun to speak it again. No matter how rusty.

I came back to London in the evening to see fireworks along the DLR on my train ride back to the heart of the city. It was beautiful and a nice welcome. Of course, it was also Guy Fawkes Day.

Remember, Remember, the fifth of November,
The gunpowder treason, and plot.

I know of no reason,
The Gunpowder treason,
Should ever be forgot.

Here's to you Mr. Fawkes.

A Story book vacation

2008-11-04T16:00:00.000-08:00

London Eye
Originally uploaded by AliChen

The London Eye from the top. Of course, it's not our pod but it's still cool.

One thing I have to say about the London Eye. You get perspective on the world. Sometimes we're going in circles up and down and we don't realize we're in a glass box and the world seems bigger than it is or smaller than it is depending on where you're focusing.

And it is always easier to focus on the pod in front of you or behind you than it is to focus on your own. In fact, it's impossible to see your own pod with any sort of perspective. But looking at the other pods can be quite beautiful.

If the light strikes from behind you can see the shapes of people as they look out and it can be quite striking. Or you see them from the front and you make up little stories for each of them.

They're on their honeymoon.

The husband and wife aren't talking but they're here for the children.

They're on a University holiday.

He's a journalist.

Stuff like that.

Funny that we make up stories when we don't know them. We read people like books and create our own thoughts about them. Sometimes they're fairytales. Most of the time they're not. But they're interesting all the same...especially if they belong to the pod next to you.

At the end of a tour at The National Theatre

2008-11-04T01:30:00.000-08:00

137E413C
Originally uploaded by AliChen

Can't ever get away from Tessitura.

CSI, Eye, Aye aye

2008-11-04T01:26:00.000-08:00

"Hmmmm, what is this? CSI properties?"

Part of the reason for a vacation is to get away from work. Or, one would think so. Yesterday part of my group went to The National Theatre and we toured it including the backstage area.

Towards the end of the tour, a conference was let out for lunch and we found it to be the Tessitura U.K. conference. What does that mean? Well, basically, work followed us here. Or, maybe, of all the places in London to go--we found the one place there was a work conference.

After that we went to the London Eye. It was beautiful. 30 minutes to go 'round but you see so much. The majority of my photos are from this ride. Over a hundred actually. Think I went a little overboard. Might need to delete a few. And, of course, I don't have any here for you to see.

We also went to "Billy Elliot" and it made me cry 3 times. The youth were so good and the adult actors as well. It was really lovely.

Jack the Ripper

2008-11-03T06:00:00.000-08:00

4347A67
Originally uploaded by AliChen

"And she her throat was slit twice, ear to ear. The second time so violently that it went back to the vertebrae and her head was basically decapitated off."

I shudder. And I don't sleep very well that night. Nightmares of being slit open. Not very good with this sort of thing.

But, the tour was wonderful and the little Tower Hill communities around that we walk through are actually quite charming. Part of it feels like the back lot at Paramount or Universal. It's almost so cute it's not real.

From what we're told the neighborhood is being gentrified. Flats are now more expensive and renovations are making it into an nice community where the prostitues don't tend to roam any longer.

Jack would find it hard pressed to find his victims now I guess. As long as he stays out of my nightmares.

2008-11-03T01:06:00.000-08:00

"Are you from Wisconsin?"
"What?"
"Where are you from?"
"Wisconsin"
"Ahhhh, yes, I thought so."

I'm wearing brown pants, brown shoes, and a black jacket that is totally non-descript. How could he know I'm from Wisconsin? I even ask my friends later and they think it's totally weird.

I was wandering to the far side of Buckingham Palace. A part no-one was around. It was empty and the view was really pretty. And this guy comes up to me and starts with "Are you from Wisconsin?"

London is so lovely. I forget how much I miss this place. It brings a true smile to my face to be running around the city. I think one of my traveling companions even caught of photo of me skipping down the path in front of Kensington Palace.

I only have 2 minutes left on this internet card. I'll have to add more later. With photos I promise. We'll talk about Jack the Ripper then. :) Bye for now.

Chocolate Dome - Harrod's

2008-11-02T01:33:00.000-07:00

93B5407E
Originally uploaded by AliChen

A photo of the Chocolate Dome at The Chocolate Bar at Harrod's. It's like chocolate mousse on the inside.

Chocolate, Chocolate, Chocolate

2008-11-02T01:05:00.000-07:00

6C059831
Originally uploaded by AliChen

Harrod's - The Chocolate Bar

It's Harrod's and I choose to spend my money on experiences instead of things. My friend and I come across The Chocolate Bar and each get a Hot Chocolate (mine's mint) and a chocolate dish (to follow in the next blog) to share.

It is heaven. This is literally the best hot chocolate I've ever had. Not the strongest (Costa Rica), but the best. They even put in fresh mint into my cup.

The experience is definitely worth the quid.

My friend's hot chocolate is even thicker. One spoonful and you melt. Yum!

Londontown

2008-11-02T01:00:00.000-07:00

Ahhhh London. It rained last night but it was still beautiful. On of my travel companions loves it because the men are for the most part really tall and also beautiful. After a long turbulent flight and settling in yesterday our first tour is today. More updates later.

Twittering

2008-10-31T15:36:00.000-07:00

Happy All Hallow's Eve. Today I'm leaving on a jet plane. Packed and ready to go.

My old roommate did a lot of touring of Broadway shows. She showed me the secret to packing a lot of stuff into a small space. It's all about using your suitcase as a shelf. If you pack it like a shelf you have access to everything and can see everything while fitting a ton of stuff into the bag.

After re-packing (realized that Europe requires different clothes this time of year than Los Angeles) everything until about 2AM there's still room left for fun stuff to bring home....or bags of coffee for the peeps at work.

I've eaten so much sugar from the Halloween candy at the office that my veins are vibrating. Or, as we used to call it before the digital age created a whole new meaning for the word...I feel like I'm twittering. Flit here, flit there, knock my knee into the desk drawer for another bruise here, trip over the chair over there. That's what happens when you're tired and you have too much sugar in your blood.

Even my thoughts are flying all over the place. Zoom, zoom, zzoooooooommmmm.....

Move and Be Still

2008-10-18T23:38:00.000-07:00

Timepieces have always caught my eye. I guess I should clarify that. Old timepieces or pieces where you can see pieces move catch my eye. I guess that's why I love the Astronomical clock in Prague so much. (See my profile picture.)

Ironically, I don't often wear a watch. Nor do I enjoy clocking time. It passes far too quickly or slowly depending on the long or short term and the situation.

In a few weeks I'll be traveling overseas. It's been a few years since I've really traveled. Far too long. And yet, when I think back on all the trips I've taken--whether they were months long or days long--they seem like a blip in my life. It never seems long enough, does it? And if I didn't have the memories and the experiences it could be as if it never happened. It's like that with all trips.

I've spoken with traveling Europeans who have months to travel. They feel the same way. But we all love it. Love how it changes our perspective. Gets us out of our comfort zone and into seeing new sights, meeting new people, and putting ourselves in new situations. Of course, a trip only changes you as much as you let it.

"Let's go to Burger King."

My heart drops. We're in another country that has wonderful food. Yes, it's different from the usual American fare but that's part of the adventure. Unless there is a dietary restriction (I'm lactose intolerant) I try to try everything.

In my travels I've eaten cooked blood, duck brains, snake, alligator, duck feet and tongue, eyeballs, innards, and probably a lot of other stuff that I don't even know I ate because I didn't know what it was but wanted to be polite.

My parents taught me that culture is everything when you're traveling. It is so important to know what is insulting and what is not. To notice how people react to things if you haven't already studied the culture.

It's important to know that in Asia it is rude to not clean your plate. And when someone offers you something you say "no" and they will offer again, and you say "no" and they offer you again, and then you say "yes, okay, you're too polite, thank you."

I thank them for that lesson. It's really helped me feel at home in a lot of situations when I was far from home.

When I lived in London for a short time I noticed the scowls on the faces of the taxi/lorry drivers when American friends just hopped into the car first and then stated where they wanted to go. And then I noticed that my British friends would lean into the open passenger window and state where they wanted to go and only after getting a response from the driver would they step into the vehicle. On the rare occasions I didn't take the Tube, Lorry drivers were much nicer to me because I did the lean and ask before I opened the door.

Traveling can show you more of who you really are. Especially when you're traveling alone. But even if you aren't...you can surprise yourself. Situations pop up that you don't expect. You can be more courageous or more fearful than you thought yourself to be. When you're in a country where you're not familiar with the language you can find yourself more flexible or capable or inflexible or incapable.

You can find yourself following an 80 year old woman down the streets of Rome to a hidden hostel in a cozy but very strange neighborhood. She'll be chattering away at you and you won't understand anything except her gestures and the pointing of directions.

You can find yourself pick pocketed in Ireland having arrived only 5 minutes into the city having nothing left to get back home. And there you learn that being too trusting has its faults too.

In the end, I guess its the same thing that draws me to both wonderful timepieces and travel. It's the movement. To be able to see the movement and how things change. How things work inside because of the movement. Each move causes something new to happen and that change causes another change inside and that, in turn, moves something else.

And then, every once in awhile, something big happens and things stand still. And we take in those moments as well. Why? Well, because in the world of movement absolute stillness draws attention doesn't it? We notice the moment someone gasps and holds their breath. Events go in slow motion when we get into an accident. The old tradition of stopping the ticking clock in a home when someone dies....and then the movement begins once more.

It may be a moment of stillness. It may be weeks. But movement does begin again as does change. Both bear growth. And if they go on too long, both can bear stagnation as well. So we move and be still, move and be still.

Well..I'm ready to move. And I'm looking forward to it.

Isn't it Ironic?

2008-10-09T01:43:00.000-07:00

"I can't believe you made that choice."

"What?"

"I just wouldn't have made that choice."

We hear a lot about how we're supposed to be. How we're supposed to behave, live, and even choose. Since before we could walk people projected their hopes and dreams for who we could possibly become upon us.

And as we grow up....
"Want to be popular with the ladies? Just buy this cologne/deoderant/shirt/shampoo/watch."

"My life is so much better since I've lost 50 lbs. Just eat this pill/join this program/join this gym/sign on to purchase this vibrating exercise machine and you'll have a better life."

...advertisers do the same.

We're told that who we are isn't good enough - we need to be sexier, thinner, smarter, richer; we need to be more rebelious, fashionable, hippie, good, bad, conservative, liberal, eloquent, or funny.

And then we buy into it. Literally.

So then, the question must be asked. What about now?

What about who we are now? At this moment? When do we get to enjoy and revel in the person we are? Whether we're fat, thin, tall, short, good, evil, beautiful, or ugly, street smart, not so street smart, intelligent, average, or below average. When do we not have to work so hard at becoming a better person, to be more of this or that?

We're told "You're special, You're unique, You're different," and when we do things as if we are special or unique or different we're asked, "What makes you so special? What makes you think you're so unique? How are you different from everyone else?" and we're shamed into changing the way we think about ourselves.

When do we accept that yes, we all have dreams and wants, and desires that are important--but who I am in the now is pretty cool?

It's when we choose to close our eyes and ears to what the world is telling us and we let ourselves just be. Some people have already learned the secret to this. And that is pretty cool. Actually, it's more that pretty cool. It's exceptionally cool. For most of us, it comes and it goes. Phases of acceptance. Phases of feeling inadequate. And we struggle to just be. And be contently.

Ironic, isn't it? That we work so hard to become capable of that something for which we are so aptly named? A human being.

Yes, so ironic...and so human.

Are Wii Still?

2008-06-13T19:14:00.001-07:00

The virtual trainer welcomes me to another workout with him. I like the light blue Wii trainer shirt he wears. What I don't like is having to keep within the yellow square as he walks me through both yoga and strength moves.

One exercise requires that I move to one position and back to start. Something so easy usually. But I'm supposed to hold the position for 50 seconds and then go back to my start position. Hold it? 5 seconds - okay. 10 seconds - this isn't so bad. 30 seconds - are you kidding me? 40 seconds - just hold it! Hold it! 45 seconds - Bobble City! Yes! I know my leg is shaky. You don't have to tell me. 50 seconds - yay! I can stop now.

After a day I'm really sore. But I didn't really do anything that made me sweat. Of course, my tree pose sucks. How do you get your foot to stay there without slipping?

One thing I'm learning is that stillness is 1.) really hard and 2.) an active thing. Who knew? You have to actively work on being still? Yes. The little red dot squiggles all over the screen showing me how much I'm actually shifting and swaying.

You know doing an exercise is easy fast. Doing it slow and holding it there is hard. But that actually applies to life doesn't it? You can get somewhere--achieve something quickly with relative ease as long as you know where you're going and what it looks and feels like.

But holding a position - at your goal - that's the hard part. Whether it's a marriage or success or a grant/scholarship or a goal weight. That's what makes the mind and body quake and where the effort comes in. That's where distractions can mean collapse or at least a major bobble if you're not careful. And you're more likely to be able to hold the goal, or whatever in life it is, if you got there slowly.

Momentum carries us places. Entropy too. But to actively be still...

As I sit on the Wii fit board and look at the screen the candle quivers every time focus is lost and I shift. The goal is to stay absolutely still. If you move the candle flame goes out. My first time I didn't last 13 seconds. You'd think just sitting there it would be easy to not move. But we do. In little increments. All the time.

As I sit an old Bible story runs through my mind. You know, the whole thing about how there was a huge and powerful wind and God was not in the wind and then came an earthquake and God was not in the earthquake, and then there's a fire and God's not in the fire. But then, there is stillness and quiet. And there God is.

The modern world is big on moving and moving fast. Maybe with the price of gas we'll learn more about being still. There must be something to that. After all, if it's been encouraged for thousands of years throughout various religious and cultural backgrounds; how can it be totally wrong?

"KA!" yells the voice. Out the flame goes. Darn it! *sigh* Still learning.

This Kind of Quiet

2008-05-16T00:43:00.000-07:00

I can't even remember his name.

"Hello, is ?? there?"

In a wary tone, "May I ask what this is regarding?" she asks.

She thinks I'm a telemarketer. I know she does.

"Yes, I met ?? at the youth hostel in Seattle and he said he was about to travel to Ireland for two months but to call him afterwards so we could maybe get together."

Silence.

"Hello?"

"I'm so sorry..." Her tone has totally changed. She really does sound sorry.
"...but ?? was hiking with his friend in Ireland. It was really foggy and they hiked off of a cliff. Both of them died."

"Oh!" I say. And then I pause, thinking that this is his mother and that I actually had more recent contact with her son before he died. It seems so wrong. "Oh. Okay, I'm sorry. Good-bye."

The last thing I hear before I hang up is "I'm really sorry. Good-bye."

I haven't thought about that conversation in years. Over a decade even. But it comes to mind as I plead with God to please keep me safe after I've fallen through the snow up to my hips. I've lost the trail and even though there are markings the snow has covered it and I'm going in circles back over and over trying to find the trail.

I fall through again, up to my hip and almost underneath one of the huge fallen Sequoia trees in the forest. I'm alone and I haven't seen anyone for the past 2 hours.

One way brings me to a cliff and the river. The other way to the huge fallen trunks and snow that I keep falling through. Now to my hip, now to my waist. Brambles on the other side. I go back to the marking. Which way is it pointing? I don't see a trail that way at all.

Another prayer leaves my lips as I follow what I think is the trail to the edge of the cliff. No, I'm not falling off to my death. That conversation will not be happening again.

Finally, after covering the area in a grid pattern for about an hour...I find the trail again. This part of Sequoia is so confusing. I have a map, a compass, and trail markers and I still am losing the trail. The light is slowly fading as well and dark will not help me get out of the forest any easier or faster.

Breathe. Remain calm. No, I don't know what time it is, but looking up past these tall, tall, trees I guess at where the sun is hiding. Maybe 4 or is it 6? I started at 10 this morning.

In another hour, I lose the trail again. My head pivots. Look at the markings, look at the trail. Look at the markings, look at what I think is a clear trail...but it's going in the opposite direction of the markings. Which do I follow? At this point I decide to go with my gut and continue to follow the trail. These markings aren't as clear as I'd like them to be. Summer is one thing, but when there's snow on the trail, it's another.

I actually thought the first marker was a warning. Yellow triangle with a tilted tree. "Warning, Falling Trees" or tree branches. I mean they were everywhere. Huge fallen Sequoia trunks. They're so huge they could easily crush a person. It made sense right? But then they started showing up not so tilted. Straight up and down even. After a few more I understood it to be pointing the way to the trail.

There's nothing like taking a long hike in an isolated spot by yourself. It clears your head. Gives you perspective. And every now and again, reminds us of our mortality.

We recalibrate our worth. Not based on what other people think we're worth, how popular we are, how useful we are to society and the world or how much we are needed. We find our worth from a different place. The center shifts and strips us of all the layers we humans put on things until you've reached the core. To find our worth, as a person doing nothing but hiking in the woods without anyone else nearby.

These huge trees that have lived for generations and generations have cleaned our air and provided shelter for so many now also are the backdrop to the hike that helps to clean my soul.

When I stop there is no sound but the wind rustling the tree branches, the leaves blowing, and the birds twittering. It's been so long since I've heard this kind of quiet. Living in the city, there's always some sort of traffic or neighbor or dumpster diver or helicopter.

As I move slowly back into the presence of people. Tourists just passing in their cars who've taken a short walk. One gentleman has a cell phone earpiece on and is in a 3 piece suit. He's walking back to his shiny luxury car. The kind that looks as if he could limo people around in it but you can tell he's a businessman and not a limo driver.

The quiet from the hike stays within me though. Transforming itself and growing. From experience I know that eventually it will fade. How long depends on life. How long can a person keep this kind of quiet? That's the test. For now, I'm very grateful to be alive, breathing, and going back to the Ranger Station to see if there's a pay shower. Then, as I look forward to the warmth of a clean shower and breathing steam into my lungs, I'm reminded that civilization isn't all bad.

A Little Joy, A Little Minute, A Little Second...

2008-05-03T18:45:00.000-07:00

Not a word has been said. I've told one person today and everyone else only knows because they already knew. It's not on my Facebook. No prompting reminders. It helps to see things a little clearer.

So what's the big deal? No big deal. I'm just one among thousands if not millions who grow another year older today. I'm not sure how I feel about it. Conflicting feelings of mortality and excitement and dread. But then I realize attitude has everything to do with how quality of life plays out even if my quantity is diminishing. And isn't it diminishing for everyone every second that passes?

"Everyone's dying," my friend says.

Yes. That's true. And how ironic that sometimes it's those that have been diagnosed with a terminal illness that then choose to live. Really live. Is that what it takes?

A friend and I talked for an hour on Thursday about how we juggle so many things. She's a mother of two and has a husband, a part time day job and is working on her career as an actor.

We talked about investing energy and time in your spouse first before the children because the energy you put into your relationship with your partner will help with your relationship with your children. But the time and energy you pour into your children can't help with your relationship with your spouse because they're children and they will take as much time and energy as you can dish out. They're helpless.

The funny thing is that we think we should pour the time and energy we have into our children first - before our spouses precisely because they are helpless and our partners aren't.

We talk about these things. The everyday lives we live while we dream of others we could possibly have.

I thought I'd take a break from my everyday life on my birthday and use it as a gift to serve others. Do some community service.

But schedules collided and it's not happening this year. Instead, I am enjoying it by the minute.

No expectations. Just being present in the now. In the second. Enjoying the feeling of typing on a keyboard now. And now. And now.

Little joys have been making my day special today. And it has helped me to realize that I'm learning to enjoy the day in the little things. Be happy where I am in the little moments. Which, in turn, makes me think about the overall picture of life.

What would happen if I did that with life? Enjoyed the everyday life I live instead of waiting to enjoy the dream that I hope is coming? Is it really possible? Maybe. It's a challenge I'm willing to take on today. For this second yes. Tomorrow? Well,I can't decide for tomorrow if I'm really choosing to enjoy this moment by moment. Because...as Scarlet O'Hara said best "Tomorrow is another day."

My House is Lopsided

2008-03-06T02:57:00.000-08:00

"There are like 9 parts of your life. Job, family, spiritual...and a lot of people have one part take over and they drop the other 8. So if you're in a relationship and that falls apart and you have nothing else - you fall apart. If you have the other 8 parts of your life - you're okay," says my friend as we go for a late night walk.

"Oh, it's like that quote with the house and all it's rooms and everyday you're supposed to visit one of the rooms. Hmmm, my house is lopsided," I reply.

So what do you do when your house is lopsided? Physical, emotional, spiritual, mental and I'm sure you can break it down more, right?

Do I tear down the room to rebuild it? Do I patch it? Do I just take down just enough to rebuild it but leave the foundation that's there? Or do I just visit every day and hope to find a window so the rooms are aired out a bit and start filling the rooms so that they're lived in and the house is balanced?

Can I do it all at once? Or just a room at a time?

I don't know. I know what I want to try but I don't know if it's going to work. So then what?

In an acting class the question, "How do you make a mistake a gift?" came up. I began thinking of how it's a handy thing to know in life too. The challenge of trying to see things in a certain light so it becomes an opportunity instead of something that pulls you down. It's a shift isn't it? How do I shift? Is my house lopsided? Or is it just a chance to see the world at an angle?

A friend brought me to a yoga class. I don't do yoga. Injuries. But it's been awhile so I thought I'd try. Iyengar Yoga wasn't so bad.

At one point the instructor put a brick under my back and said this is going to be uncomfortable. It was. Very. And then she said, "The brick is hard and now you need to soften. Soften around it. It's like life isn't it?

If you don't soften when you come across something hard you'll butt up against it and it'll drive you nuts. So when we come across something hard and uncomfortable we need to soften and it won't be so bad. In fact it can be beneficial."

So then I'm thinking - what does it mean to soften? Not physically, not in situations when you're butting heads with someone, but in situations where you're not balanced. How do you soften?

Maybe I'll find the answer after I enjoy my tilted view of the world in behind one of the dusty doors of my lopsided home. Or maybe I'll just gnaw on a piece of chocolate.

Middle Child

2007-11-24T18:34:00.000-08:00

I was reading in some magazine or e-news item about birth order and how it affects who you are.

They said first born children become CEO's and are conservative but good at excelling. And the youngest children take more risks. Even if they become CEO's they manage differently and they are more likely to try new ideas and they're more likely to crash and burn but are really good at get up afterwards because they're used to it.

Middle children. Middle children...are a conundrum. They can go either way and nobody can predict middle children like they can the first child and the last child. They're a mystery. The nut scientists and sociologists would like to crack.

Nice to know...since I'm surrounded by 'em. Both siblings and both parents are or were scientists/engineers. **hee hee** But also very odd since there are probably more middle children out there than first and last children. What are we? Invisible? [inside middle child joke ;)] Yes, yes, invisible.

And what of only children? Or children who are of a different generation than their siblings? (My friend Will is the fourth [I think] child of his mother but the first for his father.) Curiouser & Curiouser.

I'm especially curious to see my new upcoming nephew grow up and adjust to the world. How he interacts with his older brother. How he behaves being the youngest. And possibly, how he behaves as an older sibling if another little one comes along. And then, if he does have a younger sibling--how he develops into the mystery of the middle child.

Letting Go

2007-10-15T17:14:00.000-07:00

"When do you know that you're in a healthy place?" I ask a friend. "When you don't care if you're in a healthy place any more and you're just living your life."

Have you noticed that it's true for so many things in life? With parents and children; with relationships; with health...

It's Fall and I'm climbing in Red Rock National Park. The next hold is just out of my reach. I reach for it...slip, and miss and scramble to keep hold of the rock with the tips of my toes and my other hand. It's hot, I'm sweating, and all my muscles are tight and straining to finish this climb.

"Buck up, Alice, Buck up," I mumble to myself. (Okay, so maybe I don't mumble it so much as yell it at myself to keep myself for turning hysterical and bumbling mass of fear.)

Look up and not down. And a fellow climber tells me to relax and hang from my bones instead of my muscles, turn my hip in and reach again. I do...and miraculously the hold is within reach--with a few centimeters to spare. I'm amazed.

It reminds me that sometimes struggling to get what you want is more work and less effective than relaxing and relying on the core of who you are or what you've built. Relying on your skeleton and just choosing to change direction--and leaning in sometimes brings a goal within reach with an ease that is surprising.

"It's actually a skill," my friend says, "learning to let go."

Practice makes perfect right? But practicing isn't very fun. As a child my mother had to chase me around the house to get me to go practice. I'm known as the "I don't want to practice!" child.

Ironically, I'm coming to realize that someOne out there has me practicing a lot because this letting go thing is becoming a re-occuring theme.

I just have to remember there's a point to practice, right? A little improvement every time until you have what it is you're practicing down and you can move on to something new.

It's funny isn't it? That sometimes we clutch so strongly at something it slips through our fingers. Only to find that those points where we keep our hands open allow the thing we're clutching for to come for and stay awhile, even if it's not forever--but long enough to enjoy the stay.

With the sun on my back I climb on and tap the top hold.
"Okay! Ready to Lower! Sit back!"

I let go sit back and kick my legs out. "Lower me!" and the wall flies past as I kick away from the wall. My hands free and clear. Letting go.

To Hear Your Voice

2007-08-09T17:25:00.000-07:00

Lately issues about what makes quality of life have been popping up. After looking at the people whom I've come across in my travels and in life and seeing the people who are content and who are not -- I've come to the belief that what makes life fulfilling is a genuine connection with each other.

It can last just a moment. Have you ever been traveling and had a talk with a stranger you will never see again and you only spend a short amount of time with them but you walk away feeling good? It's that a part of them acknowledges a part of you when you're open and there's a connect.

The need for a true connection can explain why people who gain fame--especially at an early age--often search for something more. If you're a little older when you gain fame, you've already made genuine friendships and acquaintances who see you for who you are and have accepted you into their life. If you're young, there's been less of a chance for that.

Celebrities or children of a celebrities often don't know if someone is connecting to them truly or if they're being sought after because they have fame or wealth.

And in the midst of searching for something drugs and alcohol can begin as an experiment that causes a numbness that feels good to begin with but then actually infiltrates a person's life and distances them. The numbness causing an inability to truly be present to connect with other people. Ironic, isn't it?

I look at my parents and their friends and am grateful that the Asian community values their elders. Although, with every generation here in the U.S. I can see that value slowly deteriorating.

The gap in everyday American life is growing too with every generation. I just had a conversation today with a young woman in her early 20's that I work with. "Why is text messaging so attractive to people in their early 20's?" All of my younger friends text me instead of calling to leave a voicemail. A small thing, but one that takes me one step away from hearing his or her voice. From connecting to who they are. I can see people moving further and further away from having to deal with each other face to face or voice to voice and thus living in a virtual world.

The young woman laughs as I continue to ask her whey text vs. voice and wonders how it can be such an issue with me.

On the radio a few years ago I heard about a study where people who surfed the net more and e-mailed and chatted with people more felt lonelier and had less of a sense of leading a fulfilling life than those who did not spend as much time on the internet. In fact, the more time spent online, the worse they felt.

I guess you could consider me old. It's not that I don't believe in technology because I do. I also believe there is a place for text messages and a time for distancing yourself from the world. But what I believe in most is those genuine passages of time where you and another person talk and enjoy each other's company. Where you come away feeling energized and spiritually fed having recognized and having been recognized by another human being in a world that's quickly moving away from people and toward computers, phones, videogames and convenience.

Grinches, Grinches, everywhere

2006-12-22T17:20:00.000-08:00

A week in Hawaii island hopping and not knowing what I'm seeing because I'm on an foreign language tour gives perspective. Everything goes by so fast. There's no time to really see anything. Just enough to scan the scenery and go. 10 minutes here, 10 minutes there. Go, go, go.

That's how it is for the holidays too. Back in the U.S. at work people are calling in frantic on the mobiles trying to buy presents as they do other things. No time, no time, go, go, going so they don't really enjoy the season in any way. They're grinchy and grouchy and snapping at the people at work here.

Sometimes it's easier to take it out on the people on the phone. Sometimes we're punching bags while the people who they're really mad at (themselves, family, God, etc.) go unspoken to.

But sometimes, it's better not to spend 10 minutes here and 10 minutes there. Sometimes it's actually better to BE PRESENT. Sometimes, that's the best present of all. For family, for friends, and for the poor service people on the phones.

That's all I have to say today. That and Happy Holidays in order of appearance: Happy Eid al-Fitr, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Winter Solstice, Merry Christmas, Happy Boxing Day, Happy Kwanzaa, and Happy New Year!

Whatever...

2006-10-12T15:06:00.000-07:00

My brother's getting married next week. And I don't have a present. Now, I am not one that has difficulty getting presents for weddings. There's usually a creative twist with something meaningful behind it with custom wrappings.

But with my own brother, I'm stumped. It's like a shopping block. How do you get a meaningful present that will be enough to impart how much your own brother means to you? Nothing can measure up to that. All gifts that come flying through my brain aren't good enough or just aren't right for him and his upcoming bride.

If I didn't care about my brother it wouldn't be so hard. But he's my only brother and I've spend most of my life and all of his life knowing him.

In the end, we are a materialistic society and truly everything he literally needs he already has. Families in Africa would be greatful for 1/100th of what most of us Americans have. A magazine subscription is truly a non-essential luxury. It's all about food, water, air, clothing, and shelter.

So, back to the question of what to get. A donation to a charity? A non-descript gift card? A plunger with money stuffed inside?

Whatever it is, whatever it ends up being, the day belongs to them and what my gift is doesn't really matter does it? Ever?

Swarming Season

2006-09-23T18:29:00.000-07:00

The door opens into darkness. I turn the corner and flip on a light. There's a towel lining the bathroom door. Wha?!? Drop the bags off my shoulders. Is it a leak? Is it too loud and this is a sound muffler? I slowly open the door and turn on the light.

AAAaaaaaeeeieeeesshhhooooootttt!

There are swarms of winged things all over the floor by the towel, lining the wall, on my floor, in my sink, in the shower! I flip off the light and shut the door. Ooofph!

Darn. I need to use the bathroom but I'm afraid to with all that--that---WHAT are they?!? Wwweeeeelllll..... as you can see by the photo, I did some research on the internet. (Isn't the internet handy?) And ....drumroll please....they're termites. Drywood termites.

My apartment manager tells me it's normal and that it's swarming season. Especially for the termites with wings. I'm supposed to look around for a tiny hole and spray the wood with Windex and then put scotch tape over the hole and she'll have a maintenance guy put putty over it.

At work I ask, "Other than eating wood, can termites do any harm?"

The woman sitting next to me sarcastically says "You mean other than falling through your bathroom floor because they've eaten their way through? No."

Hmmmm.....falling through the floor. How would that feel? And would it the whole toilet go? Or would it happen when you're just standing there? And what would my neighbors downstairs think?

And yet, you have to give these termites credit. They knew just how to pick the right apartment complex. Eat a good meal for a few years and then every once in awhile they'll run into scotch tape and get a hit of the ole Windex.

We humans will live with it too. Because it takes too much energy to deal with it. In the end, if you think about it, whether you're a termite or a human the compromise is better than a tent.

The Fall

2006-09-09T19:08:00.000-07:00

This morning was a wake up call. It wasn't expected, it wasn't from anyone I knew, but it was profound and revealed itself in a nice way--like a soft blanket being pulled down toward your feet slowly.

Early this morning while stretching in the park with a friend an elderly, well dressed man shuffled across the grass and proceeded to tip over in slow motion.

The back of his hands were blue and mottled and they were extraordinarily soft. And as I grabbed those hands and held him steady we talked. It was then it dawned upon both of us that he needed more help than just getting up off the ground. My friend mouthed "Alzheimers" and we took him to a bench to assess the situation. It forced us to slow down.

And later that morning his eyes lit up and his face filled with joy as a young woman with red hair grabbed his hands and said "Dad!" That image is so clear. It replays in my mind throughout the day at moments where life issues that had been making me anxious and upset flit through my mind and then those things, those things that were so important are no longer issues.

It was truly a Blessing, because I remember...I remember all the things that do matter. How at the end of life the things we want aren't so much the things we want today.

I remember. As the gentleman forgets--and I'm sure he's already forgotten the both of us--I continue to remember and hope it's long lasting.

The Great Debate

2006-05-06T18:15:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, at work, when things are slow we begin to discuss the heavy topics. Politics, Life, Death, Love.

This past week we talked about love. Break-ups and the idea that there is more than one love for everyone. Why do you break-up? Why do you get married? Why do you choose to stay together?

Amongst the heated debate of twenty to fifty somethings a voice of a woman who's been married for 40 years distinguishes itself. And as she begins to talk quietly to one person admist the raised voices throughout the room, people begin to turn. To listen. To be still and quiet because what she has to say goes straight to the core.

People nowadays break up for the littlest things. The problem is that everyone is looking for the best in their partner. They always are seeing the good things. What you need to do is look for the worst. The absolute worst thing that drives you crazy. And then, if you can live with that worst thing without the need to change your partner in any way. If you can accept that worst thing, then, get married.

There is silence after that. Everyone in their own thoughts.

I've heard from friends who've been married and divorced that the first year is the hardest. And that if you go in expecting a fairy tale of what marriage is, you'll never survive.

You have to go in understanding it's a partnership and take the gleem off of what your ideals are for marriage. Let the other person be imperfect. Don't put marriage or your partner or your image of what you're role is supposed to be on a pedestal. In doing that, you help keep the sanctity of it. That's the irony.

And when I mention this to the woman who is celebrating her 40th year of marriage, she says no. The hard part is from years 8 to 10. The first part is the honeymoon period. You don't really get to know the other person until after 10 years. If you pass that point, then you can't imagine living without the other person.

Another friend of mine, a Christian who has been married, says that the marriage vows are not something you can fulfill without God. That they are humanly impossible to keep unless you put God in the middle.

All I know is that Love and Marriage seem to be complicated. And they aren't always intertwined. I've seen plenty of marriages without love. It's painful. I've seen plenty of people in love that are not yet married, chose not to marry, or cannot legally marry.

It's timeless. It's Joy filled. It's pain filled. It's what it is. Defined differently by each person. And defined differently for each relationship. It's...undefinable actually. Ironic, isn't it?

The Frozen Chosen

2006-04-15T17:11:00.000-07:00

This morning I attended the funeral of a man named Frank whom I knew as an extremely generous host to the youth group I used to lead.

What I didn't know was that he had served in the Korean War with 10 to 15 thousand people in his Legion. Yes. 10,000 to 15,000. Of those, he came back with 12 other survivors. 13 out of 10,000 to 15,000. The survivors of the area called the Frozen Chosen (named for the freezing cold conditions along the Chosin Reservoir) were called the Chosin Few. That's what we were told at the memorial. Amazing.

And then I think of the history that is lost by his passing. Another friend of mine has been recording the stories of Veterans. An archival project of love as his father served and he wants to keep the stories alive for the next generation. He tells me that he sits every Saturday in a section of the library hoping that a vet will come in. He records them, gives them a copy for their children, grandchildren, great grandchildren in hopes that their stories will continue to be passed on and preserved.

And at times like these, I look around at the people around me and wonder what pieces of history and what stories are hidden in their past, in their present, and in their futures. Remarkable. It is truly remarkable what we allow to pass by us. Then I wonder about Frank. What did he learn from being amongst a very few remaining? How did it change his life? And why, did it take a funeral and his death to appreciate the fullness of what he experienced during his life?

A moment of reflection. To the Chosin Few. To Frank. And to everyone at the Frozen Chosen. Sometimes History doesn't always belong in the past.

Blackout

2006-04-08T19:45:00.000-07:00

After sitting in the dark for an hour and a half at work while the powers that be scrambled to get the power back on for the block, you get to thinking. Computers and phones have taken over our lives. Electricity is pretty handy. But hundreds of homeless don't live with it and neither do others in other countries.

And then you think about what really matters. Who and what really matters. What is man made? What is real?

And you think, that sometimes as the lights shine on, we are all really sitting in the dark.

To ipod, or not to ipod, that is the question.

2006-02-09T17:39:00.000-08:00

I grew up learning about computers beginning in the 2nd grade. A brand spankin' new TRS-80. (Okay, I just dated myself.) 12K, 16K, and 18K.

There were no disks back then. Everything was saved on an audio cassette and Atari's (the equivalent to the PS2/X-Box of today) were just around the corner.

So, I'm actually pretty proud of myself for keeping up relatively well with the mad dash that computing has become. My PowerMac G5 is just about to be old news with the new Pentium chips that are being added to Macs. But it's still pretty powerful.

Despite all of this, a part of me still loves the hard stuff. I prefer holding a CD or audio cassette tape in my hand to the idea of having a virtual world of everything being held on a microchip. If I stomp on a cd or a tape accidentally...(yah, for those who don't know me...it can happen--very easily) then I only lose 1 set of songs. If I accidentally stomp on an ipod..my library goes down the tubes. Yes, yes, I know it's backed up on the computer and you can redownload it. But something in me struggles against that very idea.

On the other hand, I'm learning that an ipod would be very handy for helping memorizing for my work. It's able to record to one ear vs. the other; something my tape player can't do.

I hear and see great rants of how wonderful they are from co-workers and friends. Some who have the video version and watch Battlestar Galactica on break. And my inner old person tugging at the security of having the hard stuff in hand.

For now, the question is moot until I have the mooolah to pay for one. But the debate rages on.

From the other Camp

2006-01-09T03:36:00.000-08:00

"Are you bringing a gun?"; "What's a McLeod?"

Despite fearful warnings from co-workers and friends, I went camping on my own this weekend at Sequoia National Park. I've done this before and it never seemed weird to me. But, when mentioned to a co-worker who then mentioned it to others it became a snowballing piece of conversation.

I didn't bring my camera camping because I wanted to focus on being present and memory. But my PDA does have one so you'll see a photo taken at the end of my trip right before I left. Yes, that's snow. It was gloriously sunny and reflecting off the white snow at that altitude. The drive down descended into fog and clouds and an overcast day.

This trip brought up the thing I love best about camping in the wilderness and the thing I hate the most as well.

At 1:55AM I heard yelling from nearby campers. I thought it was 5AM and early morning risers getting ready for the day of hiking but when I opened my eyes it was black dark. A dark that squeezes out all the light and seeps into you.

Immediately, I zipped open the screen of my tent and saw the most brilliant and gorgeous stars against the darkest sky ever. I've seen my share of beautiful night skys. Spending time in the UP of Michigan you see the entire span of Milky Way without lights. I've seen the sky from a boat. And even in the desert. But there was something about this sky...the stars looked so close and I could see all of the little pinpoints seperately. It was just gorgeous! Of course I got out and walked around looking up and around the trees bumping into things with my glasses on, but it was worth it.

After 3 hours of hiking I come across a sunny part of the trail with long yellow grasses along side the mountain. The trail is narrow and it forces you to lean into the mountain so you don't fall off the cliff face. As I walk I look down to see black dots of various sizes on my pant leg. I look at the other one. There's some there too. Big and little. TICKS!!! I HATE TICKS!!! Wood ticks and the small pinhead ticks that give you lyme disease. AAAARRRGGGHH!!! As I flick them off, determined that they will not stop me from seeing the waterfall at the end of the trail, I realize that with every sunny patch they will come flying off the grass and it practically ruins my hike. I get to a rocky overlook where you can see the waterfall. There is a small last leg left, but I turn around seeing only grass and ticks below. 3 hours back through more ticks and I walk downhill quickly (and run through the grasses) almost all the way. My knees are killing me, and I'm praying, no pleading with God under my breath to please keep the ticks away as well as any kind of bites or diseases. And, hoping I don't fall off the cliff.

I've survived. And if any ticks have, they're sitting on the floor of my car in the bag of clothes from that hike—waiting to be washed in scalding hot water seperate from my other laundry.

Blew apart my Wildest Dreams

2005-12-19T21:52:00.000-08:00

I have a new love.

As a child along with turtles and dinosaurs, seahorses fascinated me. But I recently made a trip to the Long Beach Aquarium and discovered a creature that has blown any idea of what is Earthly from my mind. It looks like something out of a movie or belonging to another planet.

I'm talking about Weedy and Leafy Seadragons. I have some actual photos from my visit (see first two below - the last photo is actually a fish...can you see it?) and bought a watercolor of it for my bathroom.

Just looking at it makes me smile, gives me hope, and is a reminder that whatever we think our world may be can easily be blown apart with the mere reminder of the existence of something that most of us (I think) would have never imagined up in our wildest dreams.

Live long and learn

2005-12-02T18:00:00.000-08:00

I'm traveling alone and I've run into a local young girl. We can't speak each other's language but somehow find a way to communicate and she shows me her village and around her part of the country when we come across a group of Western tourists, all men, who somehow got surrounded by the young girl's village hunters. They're about to get killed because traveling without a female in your midst means your there for war in this part of the world. I try to tell the villagers they're my friends and step into the group. The weapons are pulled away and the group is safe.

I wake with a start. What's really interesting is the fact that I've been thinking about traveling a lot lately. I would love to travel alone. But a woman alone in the areas I want to travel...not acceptable. The eastern part of Turkey along the border of Iran and Iraq. Parts of Africa. And other parts of the world where traveling as a woman alone is okay, just a little dangerous. So the dream ends up relecting an opposite from the serious considerations that I would have to take if I were to plan some trips. I'll have to wait 'til I get home and have some time to think and figure out what the dream means.

Whenever traveling to a place with a different language--the words: "please," "excuse me," "hello/good day," and "thank you" become an absolute necessity and as I learn them, they're set into memory. My goal is to learn those words in at least 27 languages before I die. So far I know 7. I'd better have a really, really long life, eh?

Heaven on a bun and what we believe

2005-11-25T15:40:00.000-08:00

Ohmigosh!!!! I just had heaven on a bun! Pastramiburger greasebucket fries from The Hat and yummmmmmmmmmm. If I were a cat I'd walk around myself twice and plop myself down for a nap. Instead, the human me has to work. *sigh*

On a different note, driving home from Thanksgiving Dinner, a few fun essays were read on NPR's "This I Believe." Each person talked about what they do believe in.

There's a fun one about the Pizza guy. Check it out:

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=4651531

Bye for now. Happy Thanksgiving and great holidays.

Merrily,
:)